Love is not a fight

I’m gonna be honest. It’s been a rough week. I am typically so happy & so positive & so over & above GRATEFUL so grateful for everything I have.  So grateful for every moment that I can see the sky, touch the flowers, watch a child smile, a couple holding hands, even a chatty check out guy :-).

But this week it’s been hard to keep my chin up. I’ve had many looming things come down on me.  My step-dad’s death is coming up on one year. I can hardly believe it. HOW? How in the world did a whole year go by without him? How is this possible? Isn’t he supposed to just roll his wheelchair back in the door? I can’t see him chuckle anymore or laugh at Mom or be that rock that he always was for me. I miss him with all my heart. I wish Jason could have known him more. They were so much alike with their Computer Science degrees & programming. If only we had more time.Thank you Lord that they got to meet the Sunday before he went to be with you. I know that was your doing. I am so very grateful. 
I miss you Poppy soo soo much. <3

Writing the Cooper story. That was hard! I don’t want to re-live those last moments. I still can’t believe something like that could happen. It really seems impossible. How do we not hear about these things?? Why have those collars not been outlawed?? Will I ever forget it?? Someone actually called me a murderer over it. That went along the lines of what I thought myself right after. It had to be my fault! OF COURSE! I always bring disaster with me. But no it was an accident. I hope & pray everyone who reads it knows that. I hope & pray their heart softens that they could say such a terrible, terrible thing about something so horrific Jason & I may never forget nor stop re-living in our minds.
God help us.

Another reason for my glum is that my daughter’s Dad moved away my ex-husband. He is someone I consider a best friend. I know I can tell him anything. I know that if Sydney ever needed anything he’d be there. He is a wonderful man & a good husband to his wife Kim & Dad to his baby son Tyler. They moved to Mississippi where his sister lives. It’s about 9hours from here. For the first time I truly feel like a single parent. I finally feel that void of I’m-on-my-own stomach drop. But it is kinda silly. I’ve always been on my own. I always supported myself financially. But just the general help. Taking her out for a meal. Taking her to an ortho appt. Nowadays she takes care of herself but when she was a baby WOW he really helped a lot. I know she will miss him too. I really wish the best for him. I may not have seen him every day but we talked often & were always there for each other. We always lived close her whole life. The last few years he lived 6 doors down on the same street. It was so awesome that Sydney could walk between our houses. What a great way to show our TRUE LOVE for our daughter to set aside all bitterness from the divorce & go on to be friends. REAL friends not just fake but true. I truly love & care for him. He is the reason I have my beautiful daughter. And I am so GRATEFUL. Thank you.
Thank you for her she is a miracle.

And lastly I should be CELEBRATING soooo much this coming up week. It will be one year July 4th that I met my boyfriend’s two daughters. ONE WHOLE YEAR. Do you have any idea how much a 2 & 4yr old change in a year?? A LOT! I am so GRATEFUL to know them. They have their mom & dad’s brains they are sooooo smart! And so adorable & sweet it will make your teeth hurt. The littlest one turns 3. It just blows my mind. I am little apprehensive about the upcoming birthday party. For one some things have come to light that I was blissfully unaware of til this week concerning their mother. It really threw me for a loop. I had no idea. She was the nicest , cutest person when I met her. I had no idea I offended her so badly & I certainly never meant to. I could just kick myself because I really did want her to like me.(dumb,dumb,dumb) Jason had told me how great she was so I never thought otherwise. I had a dream it’d be like my ex & his family we all just keep getting along because we loved Sydney so much.My gosh I could never take her place nor would I want to. My role is kinda like the fun teacher. We just have a good time but I don’t try to be their mother. In fact they would tell me their mother was magic and I thought that was soooo cute! I nodded and agreed with them. Your mom IS magic. HOW? they ask.
I don’t know Mom’s just are. :-)

I made a pact w/my ex that we would never talk badly about each other. Even with this family I’m obligated to hold that pact true. I feel like it’s a divorce positive pact. Divorce is SAD. Divorce is AWFUL. Divorce is a BRUTAL BRUTAL LOSS. Just a loss all around to everyone involved. I want to at least TRY & bring some good out of it. So her birthday party is fast approaching & I hope I can smile & mean it because I really do want to move forward past the remarks into a spirit of LOVE. And it’s hard for me to smile & not mean it. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I’ll leave you with this. I thought about doing nothing tonight. It was a VERY busy day at work. GADS it was nuts. My fingers were tired & especially my bad hand from where I broke my wrist & it never healed right. I wanted to sit on the couch with my dog & just watch cable mindlessly. But something told me hey why don’t you go to the store? Why don’t you make a meal? HA! I thought not me I don’t cook. I pity the fool. (chuckle) Plus it’s HOT. 103 frickin degrees & I should heat up a kitchen??? Uhhhh no! But the thing is I have been cooking more for Jason & my family & it IS nice. Not the cooking itself. UGH. But the serving of it. To serve someone & know they can sit & eat a hot meal they didn’t labor over. It’s blessing them & it’s blessing me to bless them. So Jason, I slaved over a hot stove instead of putting my toots up & watching millionaire matchmaker with Salem by my side. I’m glad I did.
I hope it’s edible ;-).

Love is not a fight. But I will continue to fight for my gratefulness. For my positiveness. I will fight to shine. I will fight to keep the spirit of Love surrounding our families immediate & extended.

Please if you have time watch this video below and listen to the words.