I’m not getting married

On By AngeliaIn Love and Light, The good the bad and the beautiful, Timeless Treasures

…again,” she said firmly, eyes flashing. “I mean never. I am not doing this again. Going through all this stuff. The end, after twenty-two years. Mark my words. It’s not worth it.”

The discussion dashed out, dancing angrily in the air, walking with us on the park path. She said it with such conviction. Not a shred of doubt in her voice. I had to look at her face to see the hardness in her eyes and the set of her mouth.

I sighed inside. It’s not what I wanted for her. Me, who divorced twice. Me, who knew the journey she was choosing included a darker path than the one we walked toward the woods. Destination agony. The light as far away as it was now, and just as hard to reach. The bitter battle boiling as she marched towards the front lines – divorce.

The trail became somber and dark. The only sound, a whispering of our foot scraps, a slight huff of our breath. I silently pondered what to say – how to say – I’m sorry…….

Or I’m happy for you…..

No words seem right in these situations. Especially when you are talking with someone you love.

I am responsible for this. Wasn’t she following my lead? Didn’t I make this divorced life seem fun and interesting? Hadn’t I given her all my books on self-help? Was it the novel, Eat, Love, and Pray by Elizabeth Gilbert, infecting her need to find herself? Journey off to Italy to banish the demons, meditate with a guru in India, and be whatever it took, to finally find her happiness. But would she? Would she really? Because it would be mighty easy to just be bitter.

To hate men for the rest of her life. She wanted a lover in her future with no strings attached. HER. Mrs. Goody two-shoes of all time. A so-called life of fling with someone who wouldn’t commit, couldn’t commit, nor love her. Is that what she thought she deserved? To be smacked with inconsideration, and heartlessness. This was her freedom?

She was certain this is what she wanted. “I’m not getting married again – ever” her speech stabbed the air sharply and just as quickly lost its punch.

“It’s too painful.”

Like knocking back a shot of suffering, she went on with a little too much cheer. She explained the joys of a single apartment. The endless trips to IKEA. The privacy. She would live right next to the hospital she worked at. The security guards she knew could keep an eye on her, and tell her which apartments had the lowest crime. She couldn’t WAIT. But still….it was so different. She had always been caretaker, and home keeper. She was brilliant at it. Entertaining, nourishing children, tables over flowing with guests, country crafts being made, and calendars full of nonstop events. To go from Susie Homemaker to the spinster aunt? It just didn’t seem right.

My heart broke for her decision. Not because I didn’t want her to not marry again, but because even though I was fresh from divorce, I didn’t feel hate towards marriage. I knew it could be a glorious thing with people who jointly wanted to work at it. That sought God above all else – without selfishness, without blame, or worthlessness. That chose to sacrifice for a love that fills every hole. But she was tender. A fresh shoot, so fragile and she needed me to listen and to understand her angst.

I felt it was my fault. She admired my strength and felt weak in that towering shadow. But no, it wasn’t me. It was her life. Her choice. All I could do was support her through what she was going through. Be there with her, through every stinging barb, and every cry. Eventually the darkness would fade away. Eventually the pathway would brighten. Eventually the wounds would heal and there, on the other side, we would meet. In the bright light of sweet peace with arms wide open to welcome her new life.

My dear sister….you glow today and I haven’t even seen you yet. I am standing in that ring of light – so happy for you. I knew you would find your way to your true heart path. I knew, you’d be here as hard as it was. Today, you marry your best friend and soul mate. Today, a man opens his heart to you after being scared and widowed for long, long time. Today, you become step mom to young Leighann and beautiful Chelsea; a critically ill special needs child that only someone like you would accept and love as your own. Today, we celebrate the light in you both, that found its way from the gloom of despair and devastation – from loss and divorce – to the wonders of amazing love. Today, we celebrate………………………again!

“Success in marriage is much more than finding the right person; it is a matter of being the right person”

-Anonymous

Congratulations Roger and Deedy. June 12th, 2010. Stay tuned for photographs through the tears. You might even recognize the flower girls.

29 thoughts on “I’m not getting married”

  1. This touched me so deeply. As I sit at the keyboard crying and typing I’m just wanting to say, ‘Yes!’ I feel the same way, too. Even though my own marriage ended in divorce, I’m more convinced that marriage is the BEST plan of all.

    What an encouraging post. So good to have a real life happy ending every now and then 🙂 .

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  3. Sandy

    May the Lord greatly bless their marriage and give them more blessings over flowing with more love for each other.

    ❤ Sandy & Jeff

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  5. Wow Angelia! I “rushed” over here from Twitter when u read “I’m not getting married.” *whew*

    Beautifully written! And I absolutely love that quote. I also think you hit the nail on the head when you said, “I knew it could be a glorious thing with people who jointly wanted to work at it. That sought God above all else.” I’ve found I lead myself into calamity when I seek and look out for myself above everything else. Yet, when I seek God first and put the needs of others ahead of my own, I find Matthew 6:33 to be so true.

    Have a great weekend!

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  6. Angelia, I said those exact same words more than 26 years ago! I told my friends, I told myself, that I would never, ever go there again.

    Today is OUR 25th anniversary! Your beautiful and moving post could not have appeared at a better time. Rod just came in and gave me a card. On the front are two penquins holding wings, walking up from the sea, and they are saying,”WHERE THE *#!@ DID WE PARK?” The inside says, “Marriage–the great voyage of discovery! (Glad I’m sharing the journey with you) HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

    Thanks, Angelia, for helping to make my day!! All the best to Roger and Deedy!

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  7. suzicate

    I must admit when I saw that title my heart did a flip flop and ached for both you and Jason…boy, am I glad my assumption was wrong. this was a beautiful and loving tribute to your sister. I wish them blessings of a life of love together.

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  9. Hi Angelia

    Wow, that is powerful.

    I know a lot of people get very hurt and then just generalize the one experience as each and every one, not wanting to look at it in any way with fresh eyes.

    Well, what you said was the most important – we each make our own choices, and we cannot feel guilt for how another chooses to see us, etc… Some see doors opening, some doors closing from the exact same experience.

    The quotes you used were so beautiful!

    Bottom line, I send your sister lots of love and happiness. Things turned out beautifully, as they always seem to do, as our hearts and minds heal.

    Much love to you both 🙂

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  10. Angelia, What a wonderful post! The drama and pain of separation and after 22 years is so difficult. You present it very skillfully. It is a struggle I and many others have had to endure.

    The transition to today was perfectly timed and presented in a little different font. That was a wise choice.

    I add my congratulations to Roger and Deedy. May their lives be filled with joy.

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  14. Yes, a very good post indeed. I just read another quote that fits nicely – if it hurts get out of it. And sometimes divorce is the only option, but never lose hope that there is more that is better beyond.

    Enjoy the journey.

    Mandy

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  16. Angelia,
    This is beautifully written. And while we cannot make the decisions for someone else…it truly is a wonderful thing when they find a deep and meaningful happiness in their lives.

    Wishing much love and beautiful days for your sister, her new husband, and their children…

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  21. Very Nice,

    Sounds like they both are stepping into a new and challenging life and with the wonderful tale you have shared they will have a long and happy life together.

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  22. Whew! You are such a fabulous writer. I love this. The way you share her hurt . . . . .wow.

    The quote, I like, but . . . I am not sure about it. But maybe that is why it is a good quote. Because it helps me want to try harder and be better, just like my husband makes me feel. I always feel that he is such a great guy I have to strive for that greatness too. We work at it together.

    Oh, now I get to zap right over to wedding pics. YAY!

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  26. And here you’ve done it again…. just about brought me to tears! Beautifully written, Angelia.

    p.s. are you writing a book? because you should. you have a tremendous talent for stringing words together to become beautiful and emotional.

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  28. The title…omgoodness, do ya have to scare a girl! I thought for sure I was going to have to come up there and whomp you on your head! So glad none of that had to happen, I don’t have the gas!

    Congrats to your sister for releasing her anger and hurt, so she could move on to a bright future.

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