Not in NaNo, laws no! Not even close.

It is the final chapter of a long, drawn out, wanttorunawayandhide saga.

And honestly, I really debated about writing this at all, but it was such a significant part of my day and psyche, how could I not. I think getting it out, therapeutic for me, and maybe some of you can relate.

You see yesterday, I went to a lawyer. Now, I am not fond of visiting lawyers, doctors, or dentists. Well, actually I LOVE my dentist. Goodlookin’ blonde Norweigan, sweet and kind, yes I love him but not the stuff they do to my teeth – OW. Generally, don’t like the visit itself. I have actually gotten better about these kinds of “visits”, as I get older and things start falling apart I’m too old to care anymore, but I digress.

Yesterday, off I go, nerves wrecked – lawyer – blech. Now let me just tell you, I have put this off for TWO and HALF years. Yup. Just couldn’t deal with it. Why can I today? I am not sure. I think because if Jason and I take that step forward, I want to enter into our covenant completely free of my past. He deserves that. I deserve that.

So this visit is the final nail in the coffin, uhh, I mean the end of it. It’s a bankruptcy lawyer. Husband number two either refused to work, or when he worked he didn’t make ANY money, and I mean ANY. Oh, there were always excuses……bad day…..bad client….bad boss….bad hours…..the list goes on and on.

Point is supporting him, a daughter, two car payments, a house payment and ALL the bills (not to mention his penchant for things) on ONE measly travel agent salary just does not work without accumulating enormous debt. Enormous.

My credit was perfect when I met him, no bills, everything was paid off. I lived in a cheap two bedroom apartment that I loved. It was in a country town outside the city, you could actually SEE stars out there. It was great. How quickly that can unravel when the man you marry refuses to be so low as to live in an old apartment. And the country? Not for this city boy.

I am not blaming ALL the bills on him. Truth is I made the money, I could have put my foot down. I could have REFUSED things that he wanted. Honestly, I was just trying to keep the peace, he cycled so rapidly. His good days so few. He promised so many things and I believed some of those in errant….

Llike he would succeed at his commission paying job, like when we bought a house I couldn’t afford on my own that he would actually help, which he promised to do, like he SWORE he would, like he got really pissed at me for questioning him about.

I could go on and on, but seriously, WHY? It’s over and done, divorced finalized October 2007. I can cry, complain, and stress but it doesn’t change what happened. It doesn’t help me by dwelling on it. I have LEARNED from this. These are the things that make you stronger, tougher, smarter.

I learned to never, ever take good credit for granted. I’ve learned someone really has to back up their words with actions, or it’s no dice. I’ve determined so much, but I couldn’t FACE that last thing. Bankruptcy.

Maybe you don’t think I need bankruptcy, it’s just some credit card bills? Heck, do credit counseling! Let tell you, if it were that easy I would, but this man refused to put the house we I bought up for sale. It was one of two in the whole neighborhood with a game room. Plus, we had a nice upgrade, berber carpet throughout. It was unique. It would have sold.

Instead, he squatted lived there six months until he was evicted by foreclosure. The house SOLD within a MONTH of being back on the market (just like I thought). I had told him I’d give him the profit, he could have had a fresh start with money. Siiiiiigh.

If that were the only issue fine, foreclosure is not that bad, believe it or not. But the car he drove was in both our names. The car he never paid for, the one I paid for, so he didn’t pay that either, obviously since he never paid anything. It took them a year and a half to repossess it. A year and a half, he dodged them to keep driving that car for free.

They sent me a bill for $17,000 dollars. GULP.

My only choice is/was/and will be bankruptcy. To start over, to re-build, to finally have closure.

It wasn’t as bad as I thought, this happens in a lot of divorces. Not everyone has an amicable one where people actual work together. Some just get screwed, badly. In fact, most do.

I prayed a lot yesterday. I took my lumps. I faced my fears. I didn’t want this hanging over me anymore. It was finally time.

Plus, the ONE credit card I still had ($300 limit), I mainly used it for online purchases (to not risk my bank card). Well, they canceled me. I BURNED with shame of it. I had PAID that card off many times, never missed a payment. I can’t blame them though, they checked my rancid credit report. It reeks.

As anguished as I felt driving to that lawyers office (crying), I felt a spark of hope. Hope for my future, hope for a new start, hope for a final conclusion.

When I left that lawyers office, hope was on fire – blazing. I wanted to feel bad about the cost. I would be paying for this a loooong time, but not even that could bother me. My festive celebration could not be squashed, I did it!

The Final Chapter? Yeah, it’s a bankruptcy chapter. The end.

Maybe you have something in your past, holding you back from moving forward, the weight is heavy on your shoulders. Let it go. Put it down. As Jason’s five year old would say, “Be brave”. Then finally, walk away. The last page has been written. It’s time to start a new book.