I’m blaming hormones

I swear, I don’t have a single coherent thought. I feel my very nerve endings screaming in stress, but I’m not. I’m not worried about anything, but I should be, and I can’t think about them. What good would worrying do? I have choices, there is no worry. And see? That thought process is not very coherent, or incoherent?

I, quite often, don’t make sense. Just ask Jason. Wouldn’t that be fun? Wait, I can give you his answer, “Huh? What?”. I noticed last night, it’s his standard response, and now I’m doing it too. See, Jason and I constantly miscommunicate, it’s a source of humor now. *It has to be, otherwise we’d run screaming from the room*

I don’t hear well. He doesn’t hear well. This is going to work in our favor as we age, I just know it. As I became aware of this last night, when I said, “Huh?” before I actually listened to what he was saying (oh, that’s bad!). I realized, I heard what he said, as he was repeating it. Um. Oops. In my defense, I suspect he does the same thing to me, which is why we both do it. Got all that?  Huh?

I started a different post this morning, but I didn’t want to finish it (right now). I stayed up late watching a movie with Jason, which explains my muddled thought process. I have the dreaded Aunt Flo visit any moment, any second.  It’s not going to be pretty, at least the first day or two, until I put her in her place, stuff her trap with chocolate and pasta, and send her cranky butt packing.

Also, a few weeks ago, I found out from my yearly visit –  yes you ladies know – THAT one.  I have an elevated Thyroid. Uh, Yay? I’ve been expecting that for a while. My mom has Grave’s disease. She has osteoporosis as well. I am just a chip off the old block. Mom, loveyoumeanit..

At least now, I know why 40 degrees is comfortable, and anything else is blasted HOT. Turn on the A/C – where’s my face fan?  Why are you wearing a coat? Yeah, that explains all that. And can I just apologize to my roommates and Sydney? I’m sorry, but the heater is not allowed on unless it’s below freezing outside. I repeat, I’m sorry.

I go see the Endocrinologist the first week of December to see what is going on, and if it matches what Dr. Peters believes (Graves). Sad thing is, an elevated Thyroid should make you lose weight. Not this chickie, but I do think I’d be TWICE as big if I didn’t have an elevated one. So, there’s a plus (and a pun, heh).

Thanksgiving is next week, a lot of people are making their –  what I’m thankful for lists. My mom is talking about visiting, which would be amazing. Last time she mentioned that, she couldn’t come, honestly, I don’t want to get my hopes up, but that’d be the top of my thankful list! Oh yeah.

And, last night, totally unexpected, my favorite post was featured, on The Bold Life. Click on the link, or you can find it under the Joys of Writing tab, or you can go to Tess Marshall’s site, via My Favorite Blogs, over there somewhere —————> or even ^ up there, in What I’m reading tab, which is her book, Flying by the Seat of my Soul, one of the many books I’m reading. It is AWESOME. It means so much to me that she would share my link on her site.

The post link is the story of my step dad who died, August 2008. A Father’s Love. The mention of this story, this time of the month especially, just brings on the waterworks. He was my safety net. Without him,  I always feel – I’m walking the tightrope – on my own. There is no net, no crash pad, no rescue, just vacant free-falling to the floor. In other words, I MISS him, sooo much.

But, I am not alone. Jason is the strongest, most vigilant, and loyal sponsor (thanks, Wilma)  I have ever had (besides God). He is completely reliable, 100%. If I was a needy person, he’d be there for me. I’m not, at least, I try not to be (maybe to a fault). I don’t need saving or rescuing (the old me did, but didn’t know it). I guess it was just the comfort of my step dad being there, a back up, an extra pair of batteries, a just in case.

Obviously, I am very capable. I have lived on my own since age 17.  Paid my own bills, supported a family, and I didn’t even rely on child support. There were some years, I didn’t even GET child support, so I couldn’t rely on it. Don’t mistake that for not appreciating it. I do appreciate it. It helps greatly, but it’s not necessary for my survival. I don’t think I could be that dependent, nor would I want to be (prideful much?).

As you can see, this is not a normal post for me. I have a lot of things on my mind. As joyful as the holidays are, they can be hard for me. I had an ectopic pregnancy one Thanksgiving, surgery that December. The last time I saw my grandmother alive was last Thanksgiving.  This is my second Thanksgiving without my step dad. As thankful as I am, I can’t help but remember.

In the works, I have some great life stories I’m working on…Life with a broken right hand amidst, a downward spiral of the economy (why yes, I am right handed, not to mention that I type for a living). All reservations are booked by computer, air, car, hotel – all – have to be typed in. It’s too good not to blog about it. The Survival.

Another story, at Christmas 2007, about a very good friend of mine and what her family did for me and Sydney. I will never forget it.  You will be astounded by the Christmas spirit that visited us.

So can we all take a big deep breath? (iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnn oooooooooooouuuut)  Ahhhh, that’s better (yes, Peggy, I need to get to Yoga class). Thank YOU, if you are reading this, if you comment. I appreciate you more than you know. I don’t have any immediate family members that read my blog (except my daughter sometimes, hi sweetie, I love you! and Jason because I make him- Did you read my blog yet? Did you? How about now?).

So you, YES YOU, dear, kind, precious reader. Give yourself a hug and smile, from me (if you’re there-I can’t see through this box).  Words can not convey what you mean, I know there are so many talented, and creative blogs out there. That you chose to read mine is humbling beyond measure. (wow, that kinda sounded like an airline)

31 thoughts on “I’m blaming hormones

  1. Hey Angelia, you must feel and see our love through your mintor, I feel and see yours! Although it helps my name is there 🙂

    Your post is amazing and shows that we cannot for the life of us be independent and feel bad we are so responsive to people in our lives.
    Of course you can survive on your own, you have done it but it is so much more wonderful with others like Jason and you step dad for example.
    We need to be surrounded by love to flourish.
    Yes, loved ones can move on, and yes that does hurt and yet you have his love and the memories of his love in action.
    He will spurr you on to be love in action.
    As you will spurr on others to be love in action with your example, loved ones cause ripples and let us rememebr that on thanksgiving.
    As for hormones, love them into proper performance.
    Big hug to you my friend, Wilma.

    PS a consolation, bad hearing is seldom caused by physical hearing loss.

    Like

    1. Wilma,
      Thank you, as always, your kinds words are food for the soul.

      I have so much to be thankful for. My step dad’s love in action will touch generations. I will never stop sharing his story.

      As for the hearing, it’s not just people (selective). I actually can’t hear the TV either. Typically, if I have headphones in, I can hear what the people are saying, but without and if the sound is not turned way up…I can’t make out their words.

      So, I am not sure, if it’s brain, physical, or what? 🙂

      Like

  2. Ciao cara Angelia,

    Non hai paura ragazza. Sto pensando en te. 🙂

    Don’t worry too much girly girl!!! Honestly, that freaky stress thing is a part of our growing old. I’m learning too how to work through it. It’s not easy but you will learn.

    Usually when I feel myself not quite functioning like I should I imagine I’m the Tin Man frozen saying “Oil can. Oil can.” I just need something to loosen me up. For me-that’s being alone and quiet with a book and not talking. For you, it could be something quite the opposite.

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    1. Miss Landers,

      Grazie mille!

      That is a good idea. “Oil can. Oil can.” You made me laugh.

      I think the weekend, and short week the next will do wonders for my stress. (I knew it was AGE!)

      🙂

      Like

  3. Hi there Angelia
    If we choose to go it alone we miss out on so much. Yes we can do it, however is it something that makes us happy?
    Being connected, sharing and having intimate relationships can make us really fly in life. Your love for your step Dad, Jason, your daughter and Mum is so apparent in this post.
    Growing, learning and working it out with someone is a far more valuable path. Having great sponsors sure makes a difference to our lives, eh!.
    As you said “it pays to have a back up, an extra pair of batteries, a just in case”. I totally agree with you girl and that is what this blogging community is for me.
    Hugs to you.

    Like

    1. Ann-Marie,

      Hi! Thank you for coming by, it’s great to see you here! What a thoughtful comment, yes it is so much better to love and live, than to hunker down and endure.

      These special people in my life make me very happy.

      It has been very hard for me to admit, I need them. But I do. That doesn’t make me weak, it just makes have heart. It’s something I have learned in the last few years.

      I love your insight, and spirit of growth in love.

      Thank you!

      Like

  4. blissbait

    hey lovely lady!!!
    thank you for the great big hug!!!
    i send it right back…

    You are a complete and utter delight Angelia!!! And thanks also for the reminder to BBBBRRREEEEEAAATTTThhhhhhEEEEE!

    Cheers and Namaste. 🙂

    Like

  5. I love my hubby being hard of hearing in his old age. I can say something (I probably shouldn’t) and he’ll say “What?” and I can either repeat or chose to pretend I said nothing. Love it!

    Like

  6. We had our thanksgiving last month because I am Canadian by birth. Your post cracked me up, funny woman. I am getting that ‘special’ craving for choclate now. I am sooooo behind on my NaNo, must get back to it. Am I feeling better? Maybe, just a smidge, but I’ve got bronchitis now which means my surgery on the 3rd Dec might get cancelled, sigh.

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  7. Peggy Nolan

    Hey Angelia – I am fortunate to have met you through Jessica and I just love seeing you in my blog posse (what else can I call them?? Tess, Wilma, Ann-Marie, Daphne, Joy, Jodi, Lance, and the list goes on and on!

    Remember, stressed spelled backwards is DESSERT. So have some pumpkin pie and a vodka martini – straight up and neat =)

    Sending you love, and SITS love, and chocolate love.

    Like

  8. Sue

    Hey Angelia,
    This is a stressful time of year, but kick back and be thankful for all the love you have in your life. And yes, be thankful you have those wonderful memories of your dad. He is with you everyday you know. I still talk to my Mom and she went to be with Jesus over 50 years ago when I was just a little girl. Take time to feel all the good thoughs sent your way – you are great!

    Like

    1. Sue,

      Thank you, yes stress this time of year is off the charts. A reminder of all the love I receive is truly comforting and healing. My dad is with me, he radiates from my heart, as you do from your children.

      I appreciate your comment and good thoughts! What a blessing you are.

      Like

  9. I think you can see by all the comments, that you are well loved. And supported. I’m sorry about your Aunt Flo, that woman is a total witch. Pack her butt back on her broom and tell her to scat! I’m sorry about your pending diagnosis. And your losses. They always weigh heaviest on our minds at the holidays it seems.

    Just breathe…and blog it all out, cause you know we got your back.

    *sending cyber hugs & chocolate*
    ♥Spot

    Like

    1. Spot,

      The cyber hugs & chocolate were just what I needed. Aunt Flo has been gagged, and bound. I’ll be rolling her out the door tomorrow, old hag. Of course she is bitching and kicking, what’s new? 🙂

      Thank you for your kind thoughts.

      Like

  10. Chocolate. It always helps me. Sometimes I sit with a plain old chocolate bar and big jar of peanut butter to dip it in. That makes everything all better. Almost. 😉

    Your blog is awesome. I’m always impressed by your frequency of posting and the depth of your posts. Those who are reading are definitely enjoying!

    Like

    1. Carolyn,

      I have always wanted to try that, but never have. Yummm!

      Thank you for reading! I feel a kindred spirit within you, being we are both children of divorce. I’m glad to have found your blog as well.

      Like

  11. Oh, I have those days where a lot of those same things apply! Husband and I miscommunicating. Check! Hormonal mess because I’m 4 months postpartum. Check! Using chocolate and carbs to ward off the hormones (unsuccessfully of course, but oh-so-enjoyable still!). Check! And rambling thoughts. Wait, what was I talking about again? 😉

    Thanks for stopping by and helping me get closer to 100!

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    Tamara
    http://www.theunexperiencedmom.com

    Like

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