The Truth– Why your New Year’s Resolution failed.

The truth hurts. I am going to give it to you straight. You were suckered my friend. You were blindsided, and betrayed by sweet little girls wearing green outfits with sashes. Sashes with badges and pins. I can practically see them swirling and twirling as a lure.

Those rosy cheeks, those twinkling eyes, and sunlit smiles. You didn’t even know what hit you, did you? One second you were walking into the grocery store – next thing you know – you are back in your car with six boxes of cookies stacked next to you on the passenger seat. You have no idea, right?


Photo by Babble.

The delicious minty goodness of Thin Mints. The mouth numbing madness of Peanut Butter Patties. The oh-so-chewy sweet Samoas. The crunchy Peanut Buttery Sandwiches from heaven. Let’s not even talk about the sugar melting Short Bread, and the fudge fountain of Thanks-A-Lot (yeah, thanks A LOT). Don’t even look for the low fat brands. They aren’t there. Go ahead, bow your head shamefully, and while you’re there wipe the sweat off. Pathetic.

I’ll tell you this. You are two seconds away from breaking your New Year’s resolution. That is, if you’ve made it this far already. Go ahead, open up a box. One won’t hurt. You believe that? I’ll tell you another one. But I think you get my point. Stop shaking and gripping your fists. Those girls got you. They got you.

Don’t try to breathe through it. It’s done. No you can’t take them back!?!? Are you mad? Do you want to DIE? Besides, you’re busted. Go home. Make some coffee or milk. Fight this battle another day. The super hero has left the building. The enemy has landed.

You can run, but you can’t hide. Now that you’ve seen them. You will see them EVERYWHERE. Malls, sidewalks, parks, and even at your office. It’s like those illusion drawings. They appear magically, then there is no erasing them again. You know what they look like. They will come for you. Tempting you, with their sweet faces, and silent begging eyes.

You think shutting your eyes will help? Maybe you won’t see them, but you will hear their musical giggles. Will you please buy some cookies, cookies, cookies? It’s an echo. You are worse off than I thought. You actually believed in resolutions? Huh. Don’t you remember last year? You thought they were starting the sales earlier than ever before. Wasn’t it usually Valentines day? End of January instead – REALLY? And now look at the date. Mid-January! Your suspicions were correct.

You’ve got to tell someone, sure, but who? Who would believe the evil plot is to topple all healthy eating resolutions in one mass swoop? Who would believe those cute girls with their pig tails in green ribbons, skipping along with enough mouth candy to end a starving country’s fast was really behind it all? And not just to make money either, but to spit on our resolutions, and grind them under their little patent shoe feet. They are still laughing aren’t they?

The fact that the sales are starting earlier? It’s just a slap in the face. Little egos getting the best of our addictions. Girl Scout Cookies. Once a year. AFTER NEW YEARS.

The agony!!!

Hey, where did the cookies go? The Peanut Butter Patties?

GASP!

They are gone. You ate them. Every one. Every crumb. All four rows. Listen to me. Drive away. Drive away now. Drive away as fast as you can. Don’t let them see you this way. Please!! I’m begging.

Don’t get out of the car. Save your dignity. You still have a chance. They can smell weakness. They can smell desperation. Don’t do it!


Get your goods right here. Cookies, cookies, cookies!

40 thoughts on “The Truth– Why your New Year’s Resolution failed.

  1. How true, how true…

    I’m glad we don’t have girl scouts selling cookies at the door. That makes it a little easier to keep to New Year’s resolutions as long as one stays away from supermarkets πŸ˜‰

    But one box of cookies wouldn’t hurt, would it?! πŸ˜‰

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  2. Verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry funny! I will stay as far away from Girl Scout Cookies as I possibly can…but truly, there’s nothing better than sticking a box of Thin Mints in the freezer and then eating them, one at a time, frozen, with a cup of hot tea…

    xo
    Peggy

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  3. OMG!! And the price of them keeps going up too…have you noticed? I still have thin mints left over from last year, so I’m just going to hide from the girl scouts this year. Kind of like…Spot, super spy. I’ll be invisible….

    ♥Spot

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  4. You are a great writer! I love your humor! The cookies will tempt me, but I will resist! REALLY! I go grocery shopping later, so I will report back if I have failed! πŸ™‚

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  5. Those girls scouts are evil! When it comes to dieting, anyway, they are the devil in disguise.

    Seriously, I just can’t let myself buy them. Because I will eat them one by one… by one… by one… by one…

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  6. I have resisted I tell you! I have! I have! Yes, the little girls are oh so cute and the cookies are so delish they should be illegal but you know what stopped me? The sight of my “bootay” in the mirror.

    That and the fact that I’m dating again. Which means that a guy is going to see my “bootay” and I don’t want him to yell, “Whale on the starboard side!” πŸ™‚ It’s vain. But. It works.

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  7. Last year my husband fell victim to the girl scouts outside our local grocery story… $50 worth of cookies later, I bet we still have some in the back of our pantry if I went and looked right now!

    Stoppin’ by from SITS!

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  8. Stopping by from SITS πŸ™‚

    Our neighbor girl got us for 7 boxes already this year. Good thing my skinny as a stick hubby can eat them all and not gain a pound. However, I think I gained 5 pounds just by ordering those evil things!

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  9. They have two new cookies this year Dulche De Leche and Thank U Berry Munch. We just started selling them last Saturday. Which only means that mom and dad have to hit up their family and co-workers to sell enough boxes so the daughter can get the damn bear prize.

    On a related note..I got an email from the troop leader tonight saying “The Girls Scouts are not in any way affiliated with Planned Parenthood”. WTF? Like I don’t have enough to worry about sending her door to door.

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  10. Wow Angelia! It’s like you could see right through me when you wrote this. LOL I was seriously laughing the whole time I was reading this. VERY FUNNY!

    I must make a confession to you now. I have bought many many MANY boxes of girl scout cookies in the past and my favorites are “Thin Mints”. While strolling through the grocer store the other day, I saw a knock off brand of thin mints called minty mint cookies or something like that. Anyway, I purchased them and I gotta tell you, they were just as good as the girl scout thin mints. These little bad boys are the EXACT cookie. With that said, I’m in a lot of trouble every time I go grocery shopping now. They are just so hard to resist!! πŸ˜€

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  11. I love girl guide cookies, but thankfully I haven’t seen them for some years now. Living in a building means I don’t get door-to-door visitors and I haven’t seen them at their regular haunts.
    Thanks for stopping by today.

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  12. OH yes! They are insidious. Just on Saturday one of them with their cute little vest and pigtails made her way to my front door where I succombed. I was unable to resist, I tell you.

    I hear of a legend of people who put them in the freezer to save for a while, but I think it’s merely an urban legend as mine barely make it into the kitchen.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and making me laugh!

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  13. Oh my goodness! Soooooooooooo funny and so amazingly true! I think I ‘m going to bake some peanut butter cookies tomorrow, oh yeah and some cupcakes for my son’s birthday, hmmmm, maybe I should get some ice cream for all of that as well….Darn you New Years resolution!

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  14. Being an ex Girl Scout I am a huge sucker when it comes Cookie time! One of my daughter’s friends is a Girl Scout and I am her 1st stop every year! This year she even had my name and address filled in for me! She got me for 4 boxes ~ 2 Thin Mints and 2 Samoas.
    My only hope is that my girls eat them before I get a chance to! πŸ™‚

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  15. BWHAAAA…I love it! Your a wonderful writer.
    It is time for those green little cookie fairies to show up.
    Isn’t it!? Oh well, I guess my diet lasted all of 3 weeks πŸ™‚

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  16. Well, I have a Girl Scout Cookies guilt free pass! Lol
    I order every year! Between my sister and I we go crazy with it. I get at least ten boxes of Thin Mints and my sister does Thin Mints & Samoas. We can’t get enough of it!
    I’m EXEMPT when it comes to Girl Scout Cookies! Lol

    And, yes I’m guilty of going through a whole box of Thin Mints in one sitting. I can’t help it their soooo good!

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  17. Jaymie-HA, there is no life experience with this as a 23yr old! 7? He got out cheap. πŸ™‚

    Christy-Good luck with the running thing! I hope you have good shoes and pretend a dog chasing you. πŸ˜›

    Deiala-Aha! So…if I went to Germany…I’d be in excellent shape to ward them off.

    Peggy-Yep, they’re Jedi mind tricks are working on you already. I predict you lose, very soon. πŸ™‚

    Jennifer D-OH NO!!! There is no cure. You are sick, sick, sick. Lol!

    CJ-This is for serious! (haha) Thanks for coming by!

    Suzicate-Hmmm, hiding them could work. My memory ain’t what she used to be!

    Spot-I know! Inflation on CRACK. What the heck???? Living in the country or Germany, that’s the way to go!

    Mindy-Hey, welcome to my club. I call it the sickness and there is no cure. Pass the box sweet cheeks.

    Doraz-You obviously have a SUPER POWER! Woot! Protect me hero! Use the force. πŸ™‚

    Kellene-Yes! Another member to my club. When you cave join us, we’ll be devouring cookies with mad gleams in our eyes. πŸ™‚

    Foxy-Yes, yes, that’s what they want…for you to eat, and eat, and eat. Share the force with your fellow women in battle.

    Jenera-That’s the password to get in the club. Join the sickness, we have cookies. πŸ™‚

    Josie-There ain’t nothing THIN about those mints! Just take a gander at my behind! πŸ˜€

    Terri-Join the super heros Terri. They can walk about this time of year and not burst into flames. You have the superpower of resistance!

    HurleyBurleyGirl-How? How? How? My bootay glimpse did nothing. Okay..maaaybeee if I was dating. You don’t have the “super” but definitely a power.

    Peedee-Get OUT! How do you do that? LOL.

    Danielle-Hahahaha, that’s awesome! Thanks for sharing that. I feel much better about myself. πŸ™‚

    Cole-I hope he eats them quickly and you lose wrestling him! πŸ™‚ If that were me, there’d be some fighting going on.

    Ca88andra-I sold them too as a child but you lose that magical power once you get older. Then it’s just buy, buy, buy.

    Steph-HA! Loved your status. They got you! Welcome to my club.

    Jen-OMG! Seriously? They said that. That is weird! I don’t think cookies are the same as alcohol, but it does bring your defenses down (at least mine)! LOL.

    Gary-It can’t be….they can’t be invading regular shelves. I’m closing my ears here. Nananana…..nananna….I can’t hear you…nananana.

    Heather-Good! Another antidote. Out of town, country, and zero money. Perfect!

    Andrea-Welcome to my club. Take a seat and have some cookies. Yum!

    Alex-Yes, facing reality is the first step. Second step is opening a box. Third is devouring it. The fourth is apologizing to your family. The fifth is my club. Hi, nice to meet you. You will feel right at home here.

    Jenn-Another roadblock good to know! Adding to my list of defenses. πŸ™‚

    Heather-I think it is too! Have you checked Snopes? P.S. Welcome to my club!

    Ellen-Those are some strong words Ellen! I hope he believes you. πŸ™‚

    lostbutf0und-Oh, hiiiiii!!!! I hope I don’t sound too eager, but you should definitely come to my club meeting and bring all that stuff with you. Yes? Puhleeezeee??? πŸ™‚

    Just a Mom-That’s almost like being on an autoship! Wow! Welcome to the club. We are sooo glad you are here. πŸ™‚

    Joyful-Three weeks is GREAT! Come on in, the club is warm, welcoming and we have cookies!!!

    Naomi-That’s the password. Welcome, you are one of our kind. We stick together and we EAT cookies! Yum!

    Joy-It’s okay as long as you don’t eat the whole box in one sitting? —–>Uhh, oops? πŸ™‚

    Jael Custom Designs-Now THAT’s what I’m talking about! Be our LEADER. πŸ˜›

    Carolyn-Canada is closer than Germany, this is good news. πŸ™‚

    Mel-Eat and be merry. I have a place for you in my club. Lol.

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  18. Pingback: Steve Jobs’ stance on cookies

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