Some days

On By AngeliaIn The good the bad and the beautiful

Some days,
I’m holding on.

Some days,
I’m letting go.

Some days,
I really wanted those dreams.

Some days,
I dream a new dream.

Some days,
life is not only unfair, but tragic.

Some days,
I feel selfish for thinking that.

Some days,
I don’t want to wake up.

Some days,
I don’t want to sleep.

Some days,
I wonder what else.

Some days,
I wonder what more.

Some days,
All I give away leaves me empty.

Some days,
All I hold dear fills me up.

Some days,
laughter is hiding.

Some days,
I am hiding.

Some days will pass…..

I had some bad news yesterday. In regards to an ongoing saga that is the leftover from ex-husband #2. Seems even now, three years later, he is still finding ways to haunt me. Many scenarios whirled through my head, but one scenario – the possibility of NOT marrying Jason this October. I can’t bring any disaster into his life, including – especially – old financial problems that might be ongoing for another six months. It’s only five months to the wedding day. Even I can do the math.

They are not being resolved the way I like, due to my father’s passing in December which is even MORE heartbreaking. Believe me, I wish he were here, but he is not. The poorest man I ever knew, who lived in the tiniest house I ever saw, simply with no want for luxury in his life, and no complaining either. He left me an insurance policy that had a small amount of money, not a lot, but enough for a nicer wedding, some upgrades to Jason’s house, and maybe help with a few other things. Enough to where, for once in my life, I could breath a little easier and not stress over finances.

But now, the bank wants it for debts from ex #2, the one who lived in a house – FREE – until it foreclosed, despite the fact it would have sold and made a small profit. The one who drove a car, a year and half, while avoiding the repo man and not paying a dime. Of course all these things and more had my name on it, because he had no credit. Now I have no credit either.

According to the lawyers, it doesn’t matter where or how the money materialized. If it was a gift or not. It doesn’t matter how I was broke for years, and years, struggling just to get make ends meet. It doesn’t matter that my dad – laid off from work with a disability – yet still, found a way to pay on that policy every year, despite his dire circumstances. That he saw a way to benefit his children in the only means he could manage, not by life, but in death. All that matters to them is that I have possession of this money and the creditors are due. Fair or not.

And what he left wasn’t about money at all, it was about the sacrifice he made. For someone to take that because of the utter selfishness and discard of another is just not right. To say I am upset is an understatement.

Jason in his wisdom and grounded thought, calmed me down, and I am so grateful for that. Life isn’t fair, but it will work out the way it’s supposed to. It already has. I am no longer psychological abused. I will never be put in that kind of financial situation again. I am gifted the love of a man pure of heart, with kindest of intentions, who wants only the best for me and Sydney with all his heart.

What more could I ask for? No monetary value can be put on that. No bank can take that away.

All I know is….today….. is just one of those days and I will get through it.

61 thoughts on “Some days”

  1. Yogasavy

    It hurts and is so very frustrating and you have every right to go through these emotions. What is wonderful is that at the end of all these emotions you have a wonderful partner to hold you and let you be! That is the perfect gift…. You will find a way to solve the issues

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    1. Yogasavy-I felt some guilt going through these emotions. Who am I to complain? I mean really, I have so many things to be thankful for. I appreciate you saying I have every right to be angry about it. I was and am. I do have the perfect gift though. When it comes down to it, money doesn’t buy happiness or love. I had a father that loved me. That is incredible!

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  4. These attacks always seem to come just when we feel we have been blessed the most and can breathe in peace. Hold on to the people you love, it will be passed before you know it and things will settle back in place.

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  5. I loved the poem. It fits so many places and times in my life, both the ones I loved and ones I wanted to let go of.

    Your story about your ex and the insurance policy makes me mad. It definitely strikes a cord with my need for fairness because it seems totally UNFAIR:~(

    However, I like that you see where you are NOW and who you have chosen to be with. Life lessons sometime stink…there’s no other way to say it.

    Then again, look at what you’re saying at the end of the post. You have found the strength to leave a bad relationship, the courage to learn from this experience and the wisdom to see the wonderful people and things that are NOW in your life.

    Embrace your natural wisdom:~)

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    1. Sara-Thank you for this comment. I love what you say about being a tough life lesson and embracing my natural wisdom. So true! I don’t know who I would be today without life’s toughest lessons leading the way, all I know is….I’m glad I am THIS person and wouldn’t want it any other way.

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  6. Peggy Nolan

    (((((hugs girlie))))))

    This is a blip…money is a thing…a tool…(but can i hurt your exh2 for you?) sorry, that was my inside voice popping outside for a second…

    You are going to have a beautiful wedding…big or small…on 10/10/10.

    Yes. You. Are.

    Love ya!

    Peggy

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    1. Peggy-You are right. It’s a blip. In the grand scheme of things, I could blink and miss it.

      Simple, easy-going, no fuss wedding? Sounds right up my alley. 🙂

      Thank you for you friendship!
      Hugs & love to ya!

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  7. erin

    aaarrgghhh..life isnt fair is it?But like you said, it will all be okay in the end.when is the karma going to come back to these “bad” people in this world?Thanks for reminding me that everything will be okay

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    1. Erin-I always wonder that too? Why not “them”? Why the good people? However, when I consider the life he led, the emotions he had, the struggles, the negativity and the constant battles and conflicts. I wonder, did he ever have or experience true joy…ever? I would have to say no. No to true love of self. No to true love of another. Really, that is sad. To me there is your karma.

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  8. I know that you have the love and support to make this situation turn into one that has a happier ending. You are soo lucky to have such a great family. and wonderful friends. You have awesome support. 🙂

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  9. Oh, Angelia, I am sorry. I understand the frustration of your situation. It is not fair, and I feel very sad for you. I’m not gonna give you any advice because you know it all, but I will tell you that I am thinking and prayer for you and about your situation. It will all workout according to plan—may not be the way we would want it, but . . . .you have love and it conquers all things!

    Virtual hug to you and yours!

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    1. Terre-Thank you so much. You are right. Maybe not the way I want it, but definitely the way it is supposed to, and you know? I think it will work out better. Somehow. Someway. I believe that. Hugs all around, I needed that!

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      1. The verse I got today. Made me think of you:

        As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.
        — Ecclesiastes 11:5

        Sometimes we don’t know what he has planned, and the most difficult part (for me, anyway) is accepting something that was not what *I* wanted and having faith that is the right thing.

        Sounds like a savings and/or car will turn out to be the right thing.

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  10. I am assuming you have already got a second and possible third opinion on this from a legal perspective, if not then worth a go. Either way, what you must somehow do now is ensure that those old debts are resolved and any future obligations on your part. Take the time in other words to make sure this mess does not return again to haunt your future.

    Sorry to hear all of this has happened to you, it is very unfair when one person is irresponsible and the other person pays the price for it and is left to clean up the mess.

    But I know you will fight this and come out smiling with Jason at your side and your new life together ahead of you

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    1. Jane-I’ve been working on this since last year. My main goal was to have it resolved before the wedding. It’s really not the lawyers fault, it’s just bad timing (or maybe not). It truly is a life lesson. We will get through it. Smiling? You bet. Your encouragement and support means the world.

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  11. Hi Angelia, truly sorry to hear about all this.

    I can’t help to think of a quote–from the Sound of Music of all places–where God closes a door he always opens a window.

    Jason is your window. Go through it.

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  12. Oh man, I am so sorry that you’re having to deal with that. But you’re right… you have to have faith that it will work out the way it’s supposed to. The way the He intends it to. You know? The real blessing is the place that you’re in now…. just keep thinking about that and the rest will work out. I just know it.

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    1. foxy-I know it too. Thank you for the heartfelt support. It’s rough, but in the end I have more than I need, or could ever wish for. That is a true blessing. Thanks for reminding me.

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  13. Ohio

    I am so sorry you have to deal with this. You do have what is most important in life — a man who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his time on this earth with you and your beautiful daughter.

    As a dear (now departed) friend once told me, money doesn’t make life better, the people do.

    Your wedding will be lovely because it will be filled with love.

    Hugs!

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    1. Ohio-Love heals. Love responds. Love fulfills. Your friend was very wise and that is exactly how I want to live my life and when I depart be able to say that’s how I did it, with love all around.
      Thank you for this gentle, precious reminder that life without love has little value. Hugs back to you!

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  14. Is there no way for you to “gift” the money to Jason or Syd or your brother until this blows over? It seems like there SHOULD be some other solution, What a travesty that HE would still be able to do this kind of crap to you. I’m so sorry. I hope things do work out!
    {{{{{Angelia}}}}}
    Peg

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    1. Peg-Believe me I wish I could! It’s on me! I’m buying. A nice beach trip, TV, new computer, etc. Unfortunately they frown on that since it looks like you are blowing your money (and you are!). I think that is one of the new bankruptcy laws or something.
      What I CAN do is invest it. IRA or a car which we actually need since Sydney is now 16. Technically, I won’t lose it, I just won’t get to spend it on what I planned which was a fence for Jason’s and wedding stuff. So really, it’s not the worst that could happen.

      HE is definitely the evil that never dies!!!

      Thank you for your hugs and support! ❤ U!!!

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  16. Oh babe, I am so sorry. Please call me if you need some support. I am here for you girlie. Our friendship comes WAY before our business relationship. I’m praying for you!!

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    1. Kellene-Don’t worry my friend. I will work three jobs to make sure you are here. Sell all my possessions. I may not have invitations, a nice dress, flowers, decorations, or food but by NELLY…YOU will be present! I loves ya! I appreciate you prayers..always…

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  17. Oh no, that’s awful 😦 I don’t know about the laws where you live, but if I were you I would find a women’s charity and see if they have lawyers – if you were in an abusive relationship and pressured into putting things in your name, someone may be able to help you. It must be worth a try? x

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    1. Rachel-You are so sweet to think of that. Thank you! I really should have reached out for help when it was all happening but I am stubborn and wanted to do and fix it all on my own which left me holding the bag on a lot of stuff. In the end, I should have stood up for myself so it is partly my fault. I could have had the house in the divorce and had him evicted. I just wanted to walk away instead of battle it out. My independence can be a big fault.

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  18. Bless your heart! This really touched me. What a wonderful thing your dad did and how horrible that it will be taken away from you. I so understand why you are so distressed.

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  19. Sorry for what you are going through, ex’s can cause a lot of problems it seems, I went through a lot of similar things with my ex and in the long run it is sad that someone you once loved can turn into your worst nightmare.

    Jason sounds like a fine man and you will be rid of these problems caused by the ex and have a wonderful life in your upcoming marriage.

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    1. Jimmy-The NOW is actually way better than the THEN. I am so grateful for that. I have nothing to be upset about, life will go on, and you are right it will be wonderful with a wonderful man.

      Thanks for the reminder that problems from the past have no power unless I let them.

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  20. Hey Angelia, life is not fair AND it only can get you when you let it.
    I am so proud of you how you write about it, your love and wisdom shines through, and that in the end always wins.
    Your dad has done for you what he can, it shows in how you respond to this upset, it is NOT his money that counts, it is his gesture and the love he did it with that counts. That is what you remember, that is what you share here, that is what you show us here. Yours, Jason’s, you dad’s huge love and that is such a gift to all of us. It makes me a better person just seeing you go through something like this as you do.
    Angelia, your life rocks, nothing like this can effect you, you will have the most awesome wedding and the most awesome life together. Much love, biggest hug, Wilma

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    1. Wilma-Thank you for your uplifting comment, as always, you know just what to say to make me feel like a rock star.

      My Dad used to save pennies. On our weekend visits I can remember counting and rolling pennies with him from a HUGE bowl. He really valued saving every one.

      Maybe I would have spent the money on things that didn’t matter and just blown it. This way works out to where it will HAVE to be invested into something that has value (an IRA, or a car).

      That means his life teachings continue in death. His sacrifice and love carry forward. Love conquers all.

      The wedding will be wonderful, thanks for reminding me of all life has to offer, which is far more than money could ever be.

      Hugs & Love Wilma!

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  21. Angelia,
    Big hugs for you.

    Know that I’m thinking of you, praying for you…and lifting you up. Angelia, this too shall pass.

    And that said, I feel your hurt and your pain. Having something taken from you, through no doing of your own….unfair.

    Hold onto the love you have, and know that the place you are moving toward (the joining of your life with Jason) is a place of much joy….

    Much peace,
    Lance

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    1. Lance-Your comment brought me great peace. I do believe in prayer and the power of it. It is greater than us all. Just having your support and comfort means the world to me. Letting go of the past hurts is the best thing, all I can do is move forward and keep love close to me. No one can take that away. Thank you for always being so precious and caring. Lance, you are joy and so is your friendship. Thank you!

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  23. WOW!!!! I am REALLY sorry for all this added crap!!! If its any consolation my husbands divorce finally got finalized THREE days before we were to get married in Vegas. It was beyond stressful!!!! Hang in there girl!

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  24. What a heartbreaking situation- I am so very sorry that your dad’s sacrifice is being put in such a stressful light because of your ex. I will keep you in my prayers that all this works out- is there anything your lawyer has advised you could help?

    Hang in there- sending hugs.

    Shan

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    1. Shannon-Thank you so much. I will get through this. The lawyer advised investing the money via an IRA, or a car (since my daughter just turns 16). We were planning on buying one in the fall anyway so it should work out and she will get the hooptie sooner is all. I’d rather had the money available to use for a fence, moving, wedding, etc, etc. But I will do what it takes not to lose it and it could definitely turn out better that way rather than just blowing it. I will be much wiser for sure!

      Hugs & blessings to you my friend!

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  25. suzicate

    Angelia, I am so sorry. Some things in life do suck, others (like a life with Jason) are priceless. You have every right to feel upset, angry, cheated….But Jason is a good man and he will see you through it all. Hugs.

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    1. Suze-All part of the circle of life, isn’t it? It’s funny without the crappy ex experience I would have never appreciated someone like Jason. So in the end it’s because of the EX that I have what I have and it is more dear to me than anything. The story has a happy ending and we win. No matter what. Thank you for your comment and support. You have a precious heart that shines.

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  27. I don’t know why there are so many jerks who seem to be able to slime their way through life at the expense of others, but in the end, Heavenly Father will make things right. Your ex seems to be the classic jerk; the kind of person who only takes and never gives of himself in return. His reward will also come to meet him.

    For now, I am so thankful that you and Jason and both of your children are joining forces. Best wishes and may God bless you in overcoming all the challenges in your life.

    What day in October are you getting married, if I may ask? I got married on Friday, the 13th of October.

    ~ Yaya
    Yaya’s Home

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  28. After reading my last comment, I realized that it sounded as if I thought there were only two children. What I meant to say was your child and Jason’s children, who will all be both of yours soon.

    I’m sending Big Hugs and keeping you in my prayers.

    ~ Yaya
    Yaya’s Home

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  30. I totally get the frustration. My ex kept popping up into my relationship with now hubby, for the first three years. I was frustrated beyond reason, but I had a strong and understanding man by my side. That is the only thing that got me through.

    You are blessed (as I was) to have Jason and the girls, that is all that matters. Weddings are just one day, the frills are not what matter. Love between the two of you are the cement and no amout of money can jack hammer that apart!

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  31. That line “Some days,
    life is not only unfair, but tragic.

    Some days,
    I feel selfish for thinking that.”

    I can totally understand that. Thanks for putting it into words so beautifully. When it hurts, I sometimes get annoyed. But I try to remember how very many have it so much worse.
    Deep breath, and remember that, “this too shall pass.” Blessings!

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  32. My personal life motto is to live life forward and remember that, this too shall pass…

    Life only goes in one direction – forward, so you will get through the now, to the beautiful future you have with your fiance 🙂

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  33. I don’t know what I can add, except for my firm belief that things work out the way they are supposed to in the end. Even if we can’t see the way.

    You deserve to be happy Angelia and thank goodness you found Jason! Grasp that happiness and never worry about past mistakes. They are what got you where you are today.

    ♥Spot

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