Fear and Loathing at my Duplex

In my duplex.

About my duplex.

If this were a facebook relationship status, it would read “it’s complicated”.

Of course then ALL my friends would comment.

What’s going on? Did duplex do something to you? Can you not commit to duplex? Has duplex been housing a shady tenant on the side? A plugged commode? Can you call the house whisperer? I hate to see a three-year relationship end so badly.

I would assure all the well wishers gossipers it’s not the duplex, it’s me.

I’ve had an affair. An affair with my future husband’s house. The shame of it, because I still LOVE you duplex. I still NEED you. But I’ve slipped in my attentions.

I didn’t tend to the flower pots this year. Nope. I planted pots at the new house, just like last year. And I didn’t make garden beds like I had always hoped, but I did plant in the garden beds at the new house. How disparaging.

This is hard. SO HARD. I love your new duplex smell. I love your embrace when I come home at all hours of the night after spending it with my other place. There is no judging, or weeping. Just a poignant sigh (or maybe that’s me). I love how you are my safe haven when I need it; my quiet sanctuary. I love the roominess, yet compactness. The delights of having an extra bedroom, and a big garage. The tiny but – oh so handy – backyard.

Do you know what I love most? You’re mine. My place.

Just being in your realm brings me great peace and comfort. To leave, to say good-bye it’s….. devastating.

I don’t want to. I don’t. But the upkeep to keep this sweet spot on the side, well, it’s steep. Too rich for my poorness. With four and half months until the wedding, with a lease that’s expiring in three days – what makes sense is to move most things to the new house and lease a last fling apartment for six months.

An apartment. A fling. I know. Sick. It’s not a duplex kind of love. It would be a one bedroom, not three. No yard. No front nook with a mini black lab statue. No extra bathroom. No garage. No empty flower pots. ALL my things would be stored, sold, or moved somewhere. I’d be in limbo. I’d live with a toe in the door there, and a half a body here, an address there, and the rest of my body parts scattered in between.

I’m torn.

I’m sad.

I have to write the thirty-day notice to the master developer today (aka-leasing office). It’s killing me. I want a happy ending for us. I want to remember with gladness how you were there for me during an extremely difficult first year of residence. It was you that heard every tear, every sob, every cry.

You absorbed my pain into your walls. Your heart grieved with mine. You watched me grow as a person. You watched me survive. You watched me heal. You screamed with me when we cleaned yet another puppy accident. You didn’t even complain when Sydney, at age thirteen and bratty, sprayed your walls with silly string (which is still there). You watched with great pride as I snapped a picture of my little girl going to her first day of high school. What memories we have. The many memories of just Sydney and just me. Together, but on our own. To leave is breaking me apart. Breaking us apart.

I have to tell myself you are just a place. Everything we shared is inside of me. New people will come and you will be home once more. You won’t stay vacant. There is a reason and a season – a time for everything – and ours has reached the end. It’s not really the end, just a new beginning. A new home. A new transition for a moment in time.

Truth is, I fear. I fear being without you. *My place* You are my crutch. We’ve been through it all. If I kick your address to the curb, there is no return.

With a heavy heart, I humbly thank you. I am grateful I had you to go to. I’m glad you were my duplex. No other duplex would have made me feel as safe and as loved as you did. But it’s time to move on, write that notice, and fully invest in my new house (with a fling). You are deserving of so much more than me. You deserve a family that spends more time with you.

So, here’s to our last thirty days together, let’s turn the ceiling fans on high, take a last poop scoop of the yard, then run like banshees up and down the hall, while singing off-key and celebrating all of life’s memories as one.

May your walls echo my great joy, for as long as you shall stand.

42 thoughts on “Fear and Loathing at my Duplex

  1. CC

    AWE! I was here, in this place that you are in now, sad to leave *my place*. It was the end of January, and I was getting married in May. When I think back, I still love that place, even though I was poor and it was just four walls, they were MY 4 walls.

    Good luck on your new journey. Hold those good memories close – and hold the bad memories just as close because they have helped make you the strong and steady person you are today 🙂


    1. -CC-Thank you so much for your sweet comment. It means a lot. It’s funny how it feels like part of us, or our independence anyway is being let go of. But of course, that’s not true. All the memories will be held very dear. I do appreciate all that I’ve been through and look forward to an amazing future.


  2. Suzicate

    Fabulous post, so bittersweet. Yes, Duplex served you well, but now on to bigger and better things! Hope all goes well. I don’t envy the moving part…I hate the packing and the unpacking. But oh, so much other excitement in store for you.


  3. Great post Angelia – if your duplex could read it would be crying right now, knowing how you feel and knowing also you are leaving it. But look what exciting times and changes you have ahead of you!


    1. Heather-It is exciting to be in a house again and not having to worry about Sydney’s stereo being too loud or the dogs barking through the fence when they are out at the same time. ME having to mow, something I liked about twice and then HATED. LOL. My biggest concern is where in the world will all my stuff go. His house is pretty much all set up.


  4. Nice Angelia,

    I think we have all been there, I remember leaving my little place when Cindy and I moved in together and got married, it was bittersweet but leaving our Home to move here was even harder.

    The thing about leaving places like this is that you are off to bigger and better things, these places are a big part of your life and the new place will be the start of many new memories.

    Excellent Post 🙂


    1. Jimmy-Thanks Jimmy. It is bigger and better and there will be (and already have been) many great memories at our new house. We already call it our house in fact.

      It’s just a new feeling for me. This is the first time in all my years of moving that I’ve had a hard time, maybe because Sydney is so much older.


  5. Poor duplex. Give it a little farewell party to cheer it up. As for you, well you’ve got a nice husband’s house to look forward to. I hate to say it, but I suspect duplex will be soon forgotten. Sigh.


  6. Oh this is so wonderfully awesome. I felt like that about my little place. It was no where as wondeful as your place sounds, but it was MINE. I was there for seven years.

    I LOVE this tribute and confession to your duplex. This is awesome. Thank you.

    Take pictures of every nook and crannie and so you can look at them later and enjoy and relive all those memories.

    Awesome, Angelia, just awesome!


    1. Terre-I think I have pictures, but you are right I should make sure I have every surface. Funny, I never really got around to decorating all that much. Guess that will make it easier to pack. 🙂

      This place was somewhere I went when I knew I was leaving my husband. I had the key about two weeks before. I would walk in to the empty duplex and just go from room to room. KNOWING when I got there, I would be free of his tirade. There was a lot of emotion in it. Writing this was to help me always remember that. The picture with words of how I felt there.


  7. I had a Duplex once!! Both my children were conceived and born there (not literally, but at a hospital nearby) and I was sad when we had to leave it. Sadly, it wasn’t for anything better, just the address was in a better school district for my stepson. *sigh* I still miss that Duplex with its wide open lay out and high ceilings.

    BUT…we’re now in a House that we own (well, the bank does) and its 1000 times better than the Duplex!!! Just doesn’t have the same memories…


    1. Missy-Yeah! Mine has high ceilings too. It was only a year old when I moved in, so it still has the new smell to it.

      I sure enjoyed living there and always had really nice neighbors.

      1,000 times better sounds pretty sweet, too! I am glad you have a great place now. A good school district is important. Hence the apartment to keep Sydney enrolled in that same school she is at. They don’t do transfers here, you have to live in the district.


    1. Sherri-Yeah, this one deserves it. It was truly a great place for me. I found my joy. I’ll never forget that. I just have to move it with me to the new place.. 🙂
      Thank you, kindly!


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  9. Oh dear friend, I’m feeling for you girl! I know that your new beginning with Jason is going to be incredible. Hang in there and embrace your fears. It is in these times that we have the chance to rise above and gain new ground and appreciation for all that crosses our path. I can’t wait to see you in October! Love you dear friend!


    1. Kellene-Thank you dear friend. I am squeezing those fears to death or maybe I’m holding on too tight. Your advice is dear to my heart. I am blessed by the broken road. I can not WAIT to see you!


  10. I experienced the same, going from a small apartment to a huge American house (they are so much bigger than the houses in Holland). But, after a few weeks, you will feel totally at home in your new house with your love ones, trust me 🙂

    Have a wonderful Memorial Weekend, dear!


    1. Peg-Wow, thank you! What a wonderful compliment, especially coming from you and your family of writers (Dwight, you and your sister). I am really struggling with the whole change thing, I don’t know – cold feet maybe?


  11. I can imagine how you feel. I have never felt attached to a house until the one we have lived in for the past 12 years. The thought of ever leaving it and so much of our lives behind someday just kills me. But you are moving on to adding even more joy to your life and your new walls will be echoing in no time!


    1. Motpg-Twelve years is a long time and a lot of wonderful memories! I hope to stay in the new place that long as well. I know it will be a fully blessed and joyful home, we will raise the roof. HA. Thank you for your comment. 🙂


  12. We are all just leasing during our time on this planet…..our homes, our lives.

    However, to go through so many inner changes in one place can make you feel connected in a deeper way. I used to feel this way about my cars in my twenties. No, they were no great shakes, but they saw a lot of changes happen in me. And they saw lots of people, not just girlfriends, come and go.

    I like the creativity in this post!


  13. Girl. You are SO GOOD… at writing, conjuring up mental images, etc. Man, I was totally feeling the loving, nurturing relationship that you had WITH YOUR DUPLEX. That’s a total skill you have there… just sayin.


  14. i LOVED this. so clever.

    i had a “duplex.” it was the house i lived in before marrying Lovie. it’s now a rental house.

    only i never felt like i was cheating on it. i felt like i abandoned it. left it high and dry, if you will. i guess it didn’t mean as much to me as your wonderful duplex.

    funny, cool, relateable stuff, my friend. great post.


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