No Stressin’, No Freakin’

It’s a mantra they teach in training class at work. Apparently, they don’t want you stressin’ and freakin’, or freakin’ and streakin’ to the door out of class. You might, once you see the GIANT training manual, hence the mantra.

My learned mantra came in mighty handy this weekend when we had some – shall we say – wedding wardrobe malfunctions?

First off, I discover the bride, my sister, didn’t get her dress she ordered a few weeks ago from the shop until FRIDAY. The dress she picked out, and became crazy-in-love with, the one she called me about, and I said, “A dress? Really – you got an actual dress?” She squeals with delight, “Yes, yes, an actual dress. Can you believe it? No pants.”

She always wears pants. A dress…niiice. So, what happens when she goes to try on her wedding dress, on her wedding day, after the shop altered it to fit, and got it back to her with zero days to spare?

Yeah, it didn’t fit. At all. She couldn’t move her arms. No stressin’, no freakin’.

[insert – major bridezilla outburst – then a trip to Dillard’s with her best friend to pick out a shirt to go with pants]

Jason, the girls, and I arrive in Houston from Dallas about 12:30pm. Thank GOODNESS for me. We left about an hour and a half late and I was just a little freaked that we would hit a traffic snag and MISS my sister’s wedding. Okay, a lot freaked (sorry Jason). No stressin’, no freakin’.

But phew! We made it NO PROBLEM. Our part in the wedding is easy; if you’re not terrified of speaking in public (which I am). All we have to do is stand up and read scripture marked and highlighted for us. No special wedding clothes or processions.

The little girls have a bigger part being flower girls, but we weren’t entirely sure they WOULD be flower girls, since they tend to be shy.

My brother at ten minutes until four says, “Hey, it takes half an hour to get there and Deedy wants me to make sure everyone is there on time. Wedding starts at 5:00pm. The wedding party needs arrive at 4:30pm. Are ya’ll ready to go?”

Well, no.

I was not dressed. The girls were not dressed. Jason was not dressed. No problem, ten minutes and we would be golden and out the door. And we pretty much were. I was ready. The girls were ready. And all Jason has to do is put on his white dress shirt and tie. It was 4:05pm. We could make it, no sweat. No stressin’. No freakin’.

Except, for the real sweat. Have you been to Houston in June? Ugh.

I am watching Jason put one arm in, then the other. Calculating in my mind how long it will take him to button, fix the tie, get the girls out the door and in-car seats, when he stops short.

“Oh, NO!”

“What?”

“My shirt!”

“What about your shirt?”

“It doesn’t fit.” He gestures down to the obviously gaping shirt. Sweat. Whaaaatttttt?????

“We have to stop and get one on the way.” He is still tugging at each side trying to get it close to being buttoned. It’s not close.

We don’t have a second to spare. My biggest nightmare – missing my sister’s wedding – is coming true.

“Just squeeze, just stuff, suck it in. OHMAGAWD!” The shirt does not fit.

[insert-me throwing hands in air pitching a fit]

I didn’t. But trust me, I felt that way inside. No stressin’. No freakin’.

By some miracle, we get in the car and on the way at 4:20pm. I no longer hope make it by 4:30pm. That dream decimated when he said the shirt didn’t fit. No, NOW, I only hope to make it TO the wedding. You know. Before it actually starts, because it’s only my sister’s WEDDING. But now he is saying we should stop at the MALL. He can run in and out real quick. Yeah, riiiight.

It takes twenty minutes just to FIND a park, then to FIND the shirt, FIND a checker with no line. Ain’t no freakin’ way. No stressin’, no freakin’.

Like a mirage from heaven, a sign appears – The Burlington Coat Factory. I have no idea if they have white dress shirts or not, but in he goes to try. At this point, his black t-shirt over black pants is just fine to read scripture in. Just please God let us get there by five. I have looked at the time every MINUTE since we left. No stressin’. No freakin’.

In a herculean effort, Jason appears at the car door with a new white dress shirt in hand. YES!!! We are driving and taking pins out, while unfolding a very creased wrinkle-free shirt. Heh. I think it was his bright idea to put in ON as he is driving, because -HELLO?- we are LATE. No stressin’, no freakin’

I’m trying to help. In goes the one arm, then I stretch the other side as far across his shoulder as I can in a seat belt. He shoots his arm back behind his shoulder to grab the hole with his hand. In his next deft move, he is pulling the shirt onto his arm when we hear, “Riiiiiiiiiiiiiippppp!”

All motion stops, eyes showing whites at each other confirming in blind panic we both heard the undeniable sound of ripping fabric. OH NO! NO STRESSIN’! NO FREAKIN’! That’s when we BURST out laughing, because really? REALLY.

After convulsing in our seats a good five minutes, we assess the damage. The rip was under the arm pit and not noticeable. Phew! No stressin’. No freakin’.

We make it to the wedding with ten minutes to spare – okay five. Luckily, my sister wasn’t ready. She was totally stressin’ and freakin’. I didn’t want to bring up my mantra to her.

The last wardrobe snafu was at the reception when Jason discovered his shoe wasn’t just sticking to the floor, it was actually flapping in the wind. The sole had completely separated from the shoe. It was like a flip-flop dress shoe gone all kinds of wrong. No stressin’. No freakin’. Hey, it wasn’t my shoe.

All I can say is, at our wedding, I’m packing the duct tape.

Just in case.

27 thoughts on “No Stressin’, No Freakin’

  1. LOL at the last picture!

    That’s a really good mantra to have. Cold feet? No stressin’, no freakin’! 🙂

    And our daughter was a flower girl for a wedding last year. I was certainly stressin’ and freakin’ when she approached the aisle. Thankfully, she made it all the way down. *whew*

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  2. No stressin’, no freakin’ – wow, you sure needed that mantra didn’t you?! God really does have a sense of humor doesn’t He? It usually takes me a little longer to appreciate it…you know like when I’m done stressin’ and freakin’! Don’t worry your wedding will be perfect.

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  3. Ohmygosh!!! I would have been stressin’ and freakin’ and goin’ CRAZY!!! Of course, my sister had her wedding on the day Hurricane Jeanne hit, and we live about, oh, five minutes from the beach. As she was leaving the reception, a huge gust of wind came and blew the back of her dress up over her head. … Come to think of it, we all had a great laugh over that! 😉

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  4. Okay that was SO hilarious! I SO needed a laugh this morning! You shouldn’t worry about your big day… I’ll be there, and I am a wedding planning queen! For my sister’s wedding I was the photographer, the maid of honor, the wedding coordinator, the DIY master for all the details… heck I even registered for her! No matter what happens, I’ll be there to capture all the memories girl! I cannot wait!! 🙂

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  5. As you know, my sister had a nasty temper. We were on the way to her wedding, and she was late as usual. I was in the back seat (safest place to be) and she was driving like a bat out of hell. There was a car in front of us with two older people in it and she was honking her horn and screaming at them because they were driving the speed limit. Finally we turned into the back entrance of the church, and as we did, she flipped them off. Then she realized they were people she knew and they were coming to her wedding.

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  6. This was hilarious, thanks for the laugh, you still much have been panicking! Glad for you it is over and it all turned out to be a nice day for all of you!

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  7. Hilarious! Well I guess it all makes for good practice on what to check and double check ahead of your own wedding – but there will of course be the usual wardrobe malfunctions and more going on.

    The important thing of course is that it all went wonderfully and everyone enjoyed the special day. Just as they will at your own wedding.

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  8. I was shakin’ and laughin’ just reading this one!!! Good thing you had your wits about you when the shirt ripped!! Sometimes all you CAN do is laugh!!

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  9. Weddings rarely go off without a hitch. But it is how you handle the hitches that matter. Roll with it baby.

    I am glad you made it to the wedding. I am sorry your sister’s dress didn’t workout, but she looked so pretty anyway . . . no big.

    Your wedding is going to be awesome because it really isn’t the wedding that counts, its the marriage!

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  10. blissbait

    OH Man! That’s COWRAZY!!! You are too adorable! I love Your mantra. I was laughing (sorry!!!! :lol:) all the way through this!!! I’m glad all ended well! Congrats to Your sister and Cheers and Namaste. 🙂 🙂 🙂

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  11. OHMAGAWD– probably going to be using this when I really need to use “no stressin’; no freakin'”. Incidentally…I really started thinking, “No stressin’? No freakin’ way.”

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  12. The no stress mantra usually goes out the window when weddings are involved 😉 Luckily the item of clothing that didn’t fit was a guy’s shirt, not a dress that would have been a lot harder to replace on the fly!

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  13. Love this! When my youngest daughter got married, we used duct tape to hold her boobs into her dress and strapless bra. Had to control those 34Gs somehow.
    In October, don’t forget a needle and thread and a bottle of clear nail polish. I don’t remember what we used the polish for but we needed it for one of the girl’s wedding.

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