A Letter to the Mother of my Step Children

I know I am not the perfect step-in parent for your children. I make mistakes. I misjudge. I get frustrated, confused, and conflicted. It’s a tight wire balance of being too close and being too far.

I don’t want to overstep my boundaries. And yet, I sometimes lose track of the rule book. I don’t always know what to expect. And even when I think I do, I realize how far-off the beaten path I really am. I manage the best I can for them. Not necessarily as another parent, but someone who loves being in their life. Someone who cares for them, because I care for their Dad. But, I fail. I try. I fail. Then I brush myself off and hope you can forgive me.

From the first moment I met them, I wanted them to know I could never replace you, nor would I want to, or seek to. I have always felt that way.

I remember seeing a plump two-year old baby about six years ago. I wanted to scoop her into my arms and gobble up those chub chub cheeks of hers. Instead, I waited and watched, until she felt comfortable with me. It took more than a year.

At the same time, I met a precocious, wiser-than-her-years four-year-old, spitting spunk and sass. I wanted to take her hand and run off into the land of make-believe. Instead, I told her how mommy is magical and I would never have that magic, because her mommy is very special like that.

I want to guide them as much as I can without making waves or being a disciplinary figure. On the same note, I want to keep them safe. I want to protect them from the big scary world. I have the heart of a mother, but the mind of step mom. I want their dreams to come true. I want their success and happiness to follow them wherever they go.

And yet…

I am only a small part of their world. You are their caretaker, guide, and example. You are their lifeline, their planner, and the one who tucks them in. Your soul is part of those two little bodies. Even when it is not your weekend, you are very much part of their every second with us.

And because you are so much part of them? Two little people I adore… I adore you just as much. I appreciate you more than you know. I can’t imagine life without you, your ex, and those precious little people I get to hug and worry over.

So please know, although I mess up and forget to remind my husband of holidays, birthdays, and presents. Although, I don’t always reach out, in an effort to keep in, just know I hold your family dear to my heart. I am always here. Trying my best and admiring the hell out of you.

Thank-you for our two little stars who I get to watch grow into lovely young ladies. Thank-you for sacrificing so many things to give these kids a life with both parents taking part. And thank-you for your kindness in letting me be a small piece of their great big world.

This year I did not let Mother’s Day slip by unattended. I planned and I hope you love it as much as I love your two children. This is for you. I thought a vintage pearl might last longer than flowers or chocolate.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Drawing for Dad by the youngest daughter. I love how she didn't quite get us holding hands. So, she made a ring that connects us.
Drawing for Dad by the youngest daughter. I love how she didn’t quite get us holding hands. To make up for that she puts a circle between our hands to connect us, too. From the mind of a beautiful seven-year-old who wants her family holding hands. So sweet.

356 thoughts on “A Letter to the Mother of my Step Children

  1. Pingback: Reblogging: Now This is Step-Parenting! | Step-parents Anonymous

  2. neamatteo

    Crying. This is amazing, the way you write and all the emotion in it. I wish my step parents were like you. I’m all grown up, and never felt I needed to celebrate a mother. I know your children will celebrate you and their mom. Much love. Happy Mother’s Day.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Funny, you ask. It wasn’t something I wanted to send to her as we have talked before and I know she doesn’t read my blog. She has a WordPress blog too and it is very anonymous as far as who she is and who the kids are. Her sisters and I are friends on Facebook and they get my posts. I thought they might share it with her, but since it has a picture of her necklace, I hoped they would wait until Sunday. Saturday I text her to check on one of the girls who got hives and see how she was doing. My husband was working. I decided then to let her know as it had been Freshly Pressed by then. She promised to read it on Sunday and sent me a text thanking me for the beautiful letter Sunday afternoon. So! Long story short, yes, I did share with her and she loved it. 🙂

      Like

      1. beingbrianbrew215

        That’s awesome. I find its actually always easier writing something with the mind frame nobody’s going to read it,although easier said than done

        Liked by 1 person

  3. bellarozeup

    I love and appreciate my stepmum so much. I’ve learned so much from her and I’m sure your stepdaughters love you too. I know it’s hard for mums to share their kids from experience but I also know that when you show how much you care for them that it makes it easier to share. And there will always be a connection there between you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know exactly how you feel! I felt the same way for my stepdad. I was blessed with his love when I was four-years-old. I miss him every day and not a moment goes by that I don’t thank God for him. I know I will always have a connection with the girls and I hope I can be as good a step-parent to them as my dad (step) was to me.

      Like

  4. Gosh I am in awe and wonder if you have always been so generous and kind. There is a woman in my three year old son’s life who although not a step mother, is in that role by virtue of living with his dad. I find it almost unbearable. However at the same time I am doing exactly the same thing with my own boyfriend’s wonderful daughter towards whom I can’t help but feel love. Your post makes a very complex scenario seem infinitely more possible. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I try to always be generous and kind. When there is strife (and believe me there is!). I err on the side of the birth mother (this is hard, but I promise it will make life so much easier). I let my husband handle almost everything and truly only step-in when I absolutely have to (or when I am asked to). I let them co-parent together. I am a big part of the girls growing up, but not the wheel, ya know? The most important thing to do is love and let your child be loved. You will be amazed by what happens. I wish you and your families much success. 🙂

      Like

  5. cepstarbucks

    Wow your daughter is so lucky to have you in her life. She is a lucky little girl and should be very grateful! Happy Mothers Day! I’m glad she appreciates you. Most kids wouldn’t now a days.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. *thunderous applause*

    Angelia, this post is beyond beautiful! And you expressed all the thoughts and feelings that my own stepmother thought and felt to a tee; being my stepmother.

    “From the first moment I met them, I wanted them to know I could never replace you, nor would I want to, or seek to. I have always felt that way.”

    She always said that same thing.

    I love the necklace and drawing!!!

    Again, beautiful post, my friend!

    HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to you. You ROCK!

    X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Ron! Thanks for reading and always being such a positive inspiration for being raised by a step-mom. I have no doubt your mom watched over you and appreciated her love. You are living proof!

      Like

  7. How touching! I’m not a stepmother I know of some who are. My heart goes to them as I read this beautiful creation and I salute all efforts they make to raise up their step children, despite odds against them at times. Viva stepmothers!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Kudos to you! I have one stepchild who lives with us full time. I’ve tried countless times to reach out to his mom in an attempt for us all to be civil for the child’s sake, but it’s all been for not. It’s a very frustrating situation so it’s very refreshing to read this!!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Thank you for letting me follow you 🙂
    I enjoyed reading your post and will read more within the next days. I love reading in the morning; somehow reading and a good cup of coffee just go together in my books!
    Thank you for opening your heart!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Happy Mother’s Day.
    Isn’t love a beautiful and mysterious thing. We each come to it in different ways, with those bubs you came to it immediately, but it took them a little more time. The best way love and motherhood are similar is that when you make little mistakes they are easily forgiven 🙂
    Also I have to say that necklace is gorgeous and I dream of receiving one someday 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank-you! Yes, it is amazing the twists and turns that life takes to get you where you need to be. I am blessed with the love of family and I know they are okay with my mistakes. The necklace is from The Vintage Pearl. They have some amazingly beautiful pieces. 🙂

      Like

  11. Well, well, well, look who has done it for the nth time!!! I’m so proud of you… as a writer, blogger, a mother, and a grandmother. This post is somehow can roll into evolving a positive world we live in – of pure love, and being kind and forgiving.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My Friend!!! Awe, you are too kind!! Thank-you! Thank-you! This blog post hit a dream of mine that I would have never thought possible. It is an honor to be shared and means more to me than any of the others for the message for it shares from my heart and what I hoped to share when I originally started this blog almost FIVE years ago. It has come full circle. So thank-you for your sweet words as it really does have astounding meaning to me.

      Like

  12. I am glad I stumbled upon this lovely blog.
    I have never been a mom but I have experienced/ I became a step-mom to my ex fiance’s kids and I know how it felt. Thank you Ma’am Angelia for your post!

    All the best to you,
    Mikee

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I have been in your position and it’s a challenge. I resonate strongly with your letter. I have since left the relationship, I loved the kids but their dad slotted me in and then went to the pub every night. I’m in a new relationship now, we each have sons and I’m taking it slow and the mum is very threatened 😦 she will always be their mum and I pray she sees I only want the best for her boys but have no intention of replacing her 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  14. What a beautiful post, brought me to tears. I have a very close relationship with my step mom, well now ex step mom, but it is a very special bond. I have to saying growing up with a mom and step mom who get along is priceless and more rare than it should be.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Tanelle

    Dear “Step-in”, just a word of appreciation. Believe it or not, I happen to come across your blog while searching for what blogging is about as I have been praying and seeking God’s direction around what I need to blog about. Your step-in parent blog caught my attention immediately and it moved me with such compassion. I, had to like David encourage and remind myself that I am fearfully and wonderfully made as he stated in Psalm 139:14 and not allow myself to feel any less than the woman God has blessed with a loving husband and his son who’s life his mother (ex-wife) makes it impossible to step in. At first we got along like a house on fire but this soon changed after she had realised that her son was becoming to close and attached. All hell broke loose and endless drama almost became our daily routine. Public insults, deformation of character, malicious damage to our property, emotional abuse amongst so many other things became part of this triangle we found ourselves caught in. As a mother’s day gift at one point in my meagre attempt to resolve the chaos I gave her the movie, “”STEPMOM” with Julia Roberts as a mother’s day gift, (a must watch for every STEP-IN) and instead of understanding the intended massage she turned around and told me, “thank you it was a very good movie but that I just had to remember that she is the COOL Mom and not me…” I wish that people could just respect one another and their differences, embrace one another’s weaknesses and celebrate each other strengths and success. Needless to say it tore my husband up to see the two people he loves most, myself and his son be put in the middle of the crossfire between himself and an ex-wife who still wants control. After spending much time in prayer and meditation the Lord revealed to me that it had nothing to do with us as a family unit but that it was she who had unresolved issues staring two failed marriages and three children from different fathers in the face and the slightest appearance of another male (husband/sons) abandoning her was just overwhelming. The Lord directed my path to this beautiful Psalm of David below, and praise Jesus I could keep my sanity and look at our situation through God’s eyes and pray for her instead of taking things personal or allowing her behaviour to drag my husband and I down. We should not feel compelled to live up to the standards of others at the cost of losing our identities, but continue to do the best that we can for the people God has chosen us to be a part of their lives. STEPMOM’s, know your identity in Christ and remind yourself of who you are in him. Recognize the weapons that Satan tries to use to kill, steal and destroy our families and always seek God’s face.
    Thank you again and it was such and encouragement to read your blog and truly enjoyed the priceless gift knowing it is never easy but worth it in the end.

    1 You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. 5 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. 13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you. 19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty! 20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. 21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you? 22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. 23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24
    See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:1-24

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The scripture is absolutely beautiful. I used it when I announced my unwed daughter’s pregnancy at 18 years of age. She now has a beautiful daughter and is engaged to the father. So, I do know his plans and they are for good.

      For you, your stepson, and even his mom. Fear is a scary place. Being insecure even scarier, and you are dealing with both from her. Of course, she is the cool mom. Of course, she is going to be scared of losing her son’s love (which is impossible). And you know? That is OK. All you can do is keep being kind. Keep reassuring her and him, that she is the greatest mom ever (and she is! Because she is HIS mom). Keep reaching out, and being patient of what she will accept. We don’t get the luxury of freaking out, only she does. I know it doesn’t seem fair (and feel free to freak out on your own – privately). All you need to know is that your job is not to make peace, but demonstrate peace. Your job is not to make her love you, but despite how she feels, LOVE her anyway. Love her because, that little boy you care about wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for her. Yes, she will act out. She will be jealous of the time you get with her little boy (I’m sure you can’t blame her). You will not always get along. You will not always like what she says and it will get hard. It hurts to feel so small. Your skin will become leather and you will take in your gut lot of pride. But when it all comes down to it. You will earn this badge and the respect that goes with it.

      What does God do for us? Forgives us. Love us. No matter what we do. No matter what we say. No matter how we act. Whether we try to be or become something good or bad. He still loves us.

      Being a step-mom is about love. We choose to love above pride or being loved back. We do so gladly and know there is no medal at the end, but just the satisfaction of doing the right thing, the right way.

      Keep praying. Good things will happen. You are in my thoughts!

      Thank-you for sharing!

      Like

      1. Tanelle

        Hey there Angelia, yes indeed. Thank you for the encouragement. There is no other way. We have to demonstrate and by faith let our works be alive and not dead, felt and not assumed. I am sure your daughter appreciated your support and scripture as it is so powerful. Thank God for your Godly Wisdom and using in the Ministry of Parenting to so many people who needs it. Will sure cherish these posts as it was my first introduction to Blogging and loving it!! Mwah

        Liked by 1 person

  16. This is great! Its so true how hard it is to create the boundaries. My stepdaughter has lived with us for 2 yrs and I still know, I am not ever going to be as good as her mother. Your stepchildren are so lucky to have a wonderful stepmother like you!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Angela, I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading this piece of writing – its heartfelt and warming – if there were more people who cared as much about their step children as you do the world would be a nicer place I can’t help thinking! I think their Mother is also very lucky to have you in her life by the sounds of things…
    I’m a Mum (UK) myself and would love your thoughts and opinions on my blog also? If you have time please take a look – Thanks xxx

    Like

      1. Thanks for sharing, too Ma’am! Being a step-in parent even if it was unofficial was quiet overwhelming and never ever easy but worth it. 🙂

        All the best to you and hope you inspire more! God bless 🙂

        Like

Leave a Reply to emmadol Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s