Ripping the Veil

On December 15, 2012December 15, 2012 By AngeliaIn FAITH13 Comments

I wish I could explain what happened in Newton, CT.

I wish I could be assured there was a reason, or purpose.

But I can’t.

All I can say is what I know.

I know there are good people in this world. I know there are bad people in this world.

Evil does not have a conscious. It does not think, or plan, or consider.

It just does.

I don’t believe it comes from bad parenting, video games, or laws.

It just is.

Evil invades the most precious places of our souls. It robs us. It mocks us. It pits us against each other, and it knows no boundaries.

No one is safe.

Not even innocent children.

Evil is not here or there. You can’t find it on a Google map.

It has no address.

Only existence.

It will ply into every crack it can, to squeeze and twist every piece of our heart.

To make us weak. To make us give up.

And it hurts.

It hurts deeply, and tragically.

So I am sorry that I can’t offer you an explanation of why things go wrong, or why bad things happen……

All I can offer you is my truth…..I believe…..one day…….evil will be defeated.

For good.

Because as much as it takes away….it can not steal our hope and faith.

Hug your children, pray, and grieve, but please……

……don’t ever forget and don’t ever give up.

We Remember Them…

In the rising of the sun and in its going down,
We remember them;

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
We remember them;

In the opening of buds and in the warmth of summer,
We remember them;

In the rustling of leaves and the beauty of autumn,
We remember them;

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We remember them;

When we are weary and in need of strength,
We remember them;

When we are lost and sick at heart,
We remember them;

When we have joys we yearn to share,
We remember them;

So long as we live, they too shall live
For they are now a part of us as
We remember them.

from Gates of Prayer,
Judaism Prayerbook

In Sickness

On October 15, 2010October 16, 2010 By AngeliaIn Angels among Us, Beautiful Life, FAITH34 Comments

And in health.

I stumbled on that vow. I hesitated forming the words. I stood in that beautiful Church facing my handsome husband and I faltered……

What I wanted to say was in sickness and in sickness. I knew I was marrying a type 1 diabetic. I had experience with one in 2004, an uncle I loved dearly. I was also raised by a step-dad with polio. I knew sickness. I was raised with sickness. I embraced this man’s sickness because that is what I vowed to do. In health? Not so much. It was the sickness I pledged to stand by.

For richer or poorer, meh, I’ll take either.

Love and honor – absolutely.

Until death due us part – I wouldn’t miss a thing. ~~Life is a gift.~~ Scratch that. Life with him is a gift.

Today, I write this blog post from a hospital room.

My husband started feeling worse and worse a few days after the wedding. He hadn’t been feeling completely well for a while. He had gone to the urgent care center a week before the wedding and got diagnosed with bronchitis. They gave him an antibiotics shot, but he still hadn’t quite kicked it ten days later. When breathing laying down got difficult, and his face started swelling. He ventured back to the neighborhood clinic.

They took an x-ray of his lungs and compared it with ten days before, along with his blood work. The x-ray showed more fluid build-up on his lungs, and the blood work showed loss of blood – significantly. Enough that they recommended him going to the ER with their blessing. I couldn’t believe it when he called me.

What? Emergency room? Double pneumonia? Hemoglobin drop? WHAT?

I met him there and waited in the ER. What I expected was an IV of antibiotics and a possible over night stay. But that wasn’t to be. While there was fluid on his lungs, there was not a rise in white blood cells. Nor was he feverish, coughing, or showing signs of pneumonia. The ER doctor that came to admit him advised us, it was not pneumonia, but looked more like congestive heart failure.

Heart failure. *gulp*

My jaw dropped to the floor. My heart and stomach quickly followed.

*PLOP*

All splayed out in a pile of, “What the crap!”. Four days ago I said I DO, or I will, or actually I said vow by vow repeated after the minister in front of God, and 70 or so witnesses. I had no idea how fast those bonds would be put to the test.

I trust God. I do. There are so many blessings about this moment. We had canceled the honeymoon to Canada because of Jason’s mom. It was possible she would have a second surgery this week and we didn’t want to be out of the country when it happened. Come to find out, she did not, but she did get moved out of ICU. We got to talk to her the day before our ER visit. It was wonderful news. It was joyful tears to love on her awake and aware and I’m glad we didn’t miss it.

I am also glad we were not in Canada and unsure of the health care and procedures. I am glad we were not thousands of miles away from our friends and family. I am glad we were not on top of Whistler Mountain – far away from anywhere or anything. I am glad we were not zipping through time and space on an airplane high up in the sky. So many things….that could have been so much worse.

Instead, we take the hospital honeymoon trip. Complete with an HD TV.

Three delicious meals a day by room service (for him anyway). Daily social visits by doctors, nurses, and respiratory therapists. Tons of time together. No kids or dogs. I can even get coffee most hours of the day in the ~~waiting room~~ concierge lounge. It’s all-inclusive folks. Stop being so jealous.

And hey, it’s like camping…..

We are on day three here. All we know for sure is that his heart is not damaged. He does have an enlarged left ventricle, but that is not completely uncommon for a diabetic man with high blood pressure. They were able to relieve him of five LITERS of fluid, so he can breathe easier although there is still fluid on and in his lungs.

We have a test on Monday to check for artery blockage and to fix them if he has any through a heart cath. If it’s not that, it could be a number of things they are hoping to eliminate with tests. Nothing is determined, and not much has been ruled out. It could be congestive heart failure, or it could be a mean virus that caused cardiac issues.

No matter what it is. No matter what our future holds with his health. I will be here.

In sickness, and in sickness……because that is what I pledged to do six days ago.

Don’t Give Up

On October 4, 2010October 4, 2010 By AngeliaIn Beautiful Life, FAITH, FAMILY, Life is what you make it.23 Comments

And she is not. Sue is doing as well as can be expected. A few days after surgery, she got the breathing tube out and passed several neuro tests. She moved BOTH hands and legs, opened her eyes, and we were all very encouraged. She could answer in uh-huh, and nuh-huh. Although it wasn’t clear words, she did respond to I love you with the tone. They did warn she could get worse before better, and she did lessen her talking and moving the next day. We were prepared for that. At time of post they had put the breathing tube back in due to fluid build-up on her lungs. Again, this is normal in her type of recovery. If she can’t get deep enough breaths fluid could build up. The good thing is, she has top-notch care with the nurses micro-managing her. They have her comfortable and sedated so she is not in any pain. It is a long recovery road, but time is what she needs. The main thing is to NOT get pneumonia, so pray specifically for that.

Don’t give up was also the message at Jason’s brother’s Church this Sunday. We attended the service to watch the baptism of his youngest daughter. It is a theme I have stated quite often in the last few days and not always accomplished.

It started out as, “I can’t do this.” Do – being plan a wedding without Sue’s help. She had EVERYTHING and I do mean everything handled or planned. Locating that information is not possible since she can not communicate. Starting over? A very daunting task one week prior to the wedding and I do mean START ALL OVER. Food, cake, punch, and table linens. Did I mention we have 100 people coming?

As I dived deeper into it, I figured out even faster – I couldn’t do it. I wanted to cancel the wedding and say, “I give up.” I said this too many times to count and almost actualized it more times than I said it. There were LOTS of frustrated tears. On top of that, work is off the charts busy. I was there until 8pm on Friday night. When I finally get to Jason, he is laid up on the couch with a fever, chills, severe headache, and hard time breathing. It was awful.

He went to the doctor on Saturday and they gave him an antibiotics shot. I got a taste of being a real step-mom as I took the two little girls and Sydney with me everywhere. The bakery, the flower shop, and Hobby Lobby. They were such troopers and very, very good. Then we had to beat it over to the skating ring for one of Molly’s parties. Jason met us there and I dropped them off to do MORE shopping. Thank-you Hobby Lobby for the 50% bridal event sale. I think you saved me – literally.

I’d also like to mention Cooper St Bakery with a BIG thank-you. They took my order ONE WEEK prior to the wedding for both the Bride and Groom’s cake. I am amazed and thankful. The owner made sure we were taken care of. Tammy, I will highly recommend you guys for your efficiency and servitude.

And to my friend Karen, who loves cooking and planning, and eagerly agreed to do the food for the reception. Not only do it, but do an outstanding job, and happily. Thank-you Karen soooo much. You have been such a blessing to my life.

When I finally sat down this weekend, I made my fingers make 52 bows, 26 tulle, and 26 ribbon for pew markers. Now just to glue a pretty a flower and attach to pew holder – voila. And I just thought I wasn’t crafty.

My future step-brother is sewing hems on fabric for tablecloths. God love em’. He is sewing.

I got a speeding ticket this morning – oh, the irony.

Have I mentioned we still need our marriage license?

So glad, I have SIX MORE DAYS, because I really can’t take much more, but I’m NOT giving up.

The pastor ready to baptize my almost niece.

Molly and her cousin at the Church.

I love how children celebrate EVERY moment. They don’t worry. They don’t fret. They are not thinking of a hundred different things to get done, to do, or to not forget. They don’t think about who is sick, and who needs help. They just smile and laugh and play.

So I’m not giving up. I am going to do the best I can. I am not going to worry (much) and I am celebrating that we have today.

I am celebrating because, obviously, God has great plans for us.

SIGNS – What do you believe?

On June 4, 2010June 4, 2010 By AngeliaIn FAITH, FAMILY, Why yes I do GLOW66 Comments

A few years ago when I was single and having – oh so much fun – in conversation with, shall we say, a person very direct about their beliefs. He was a devout youth minister who expressed his ways in a very upfront manner. No secular music. No mark on your record. No sin whatsoever – you get the idea.

He was a nice enough guy, it was interesting to hear his views, as long as he knew I had some of my own (ahem). I think that was against his *rules*, but I digress.

In one of our last phone conversations the question came up, what was my favorite Christian movie? My answer, with no hesitation at all, SIGNS with Mel Gibson. He said, “Excuse me? Do you mean The Passion of the Christ directed by Mel Gibson?”

A little unsure of why he wouldn’t think SIGNS one of the greatest Christian movies of all time, I answered, “Um, no, I mean SIGNS with the aliens in it.”

Long pause.

In an effort to ~~give me a chance to change my answer~~ confirm what my favorite CHRISTIAN movie is, he says again, “SIGNS, the syfy movie?”

Aha, now he is getting it, err no, he sounded a little disgusted by this answer. Yep, I definitely hear the sneer. Imagine all the dating, romance, soul mate dreams come hurling from the sky (like an alien ship- ha) crash burning to the ground in a fiery pillar of smoke and blue flames. Phoooosh!

Oh well. I’ve given worse answers than that, I am not perfect and you know what? I stand by it. To me it’s a Christian movie, whether it has aliens in it or not. I am not ashamed to say I am a HUGE syfy fan. It passed down from my step dad when we would watch Star Trek together. I love it. I love the imagination. I love the other-worldly-ness. Does that make me a bad Christian? I don’t think so. Wasn’t Mary supernaturally impregnated? Aren’t Angels supernatural beings? Didn’t Jesus supernaturally rise from the dead? Is syfy really such a bad thing to believe in? Can’t we all just get along?

SIGNS is my favorite Christian movie because it is a movie about faith. Faith being tested. Faith picking a side. Determining what you DO or DO NOT believe.

Do you believe in SIGNS?

Let me give you a quote from the movie, this is Mel Gibson speaking who plays a former pastor. He has turned from his faith after a tragic loss in his life. He does not believe in God anymore. Alien ships have shown up and his family is questioning what will happen to them. He gives them this answer to decide for themselves what they believe, and to decide for themselves, what will comfort them.

People break down into two groups. When they experience something lucky, group number one sees it as more than luck, more than coincidence. They see it as a sign, evidence, that there is someone up there, watching out for them. Group number two sees it as just pure luck. Just a happy turn of chance. I’m sure the people in group number two are looking at those fourteen lights in a very suspicious way. For them, the situation is a fifty-fifty. Could be bad, could be good. But deep down, they feel that whatever happens, they’re on their own. And that fills them with fear. Yeah, there are those people. But there’s a whole lot of people in group number one. When they see those fourteen lights, they’re looking at a miracle. And deep down, they feel that whatever’s going to happen, there will be someone there to help them. And that fills them with hope. See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, that sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Or, look at the question this way: Is it possible that there are no coincidences?

Do you react to the scary things in life with fear? Or hope? Is it luck? Or more than coincidence?

I’ll tell you this, the last month has been very scary for me. I’ve had cold feet – from marrying the greatest guy in the world – I know, WHAAATTTT? I believe it’s psychological. I had an abusive spouse that I freed myself from. My safe haven is my current home, and now to give that up for my new husband in October…..well…..It feels like I am giving up my new-found freedom. My “safe” place.

And then what? Am I back in crazyville? Oh heck no! Not doing that. Nuh-huh. So, I get anxious and teary – more than a few times. Maybe, even a little nit-picky about my new mate. A little harsh. I am scared. Literally frozen. My heart thumping out of my chest to even consider writing the 30 day notice to my duplex and moving my things. Taking this giant leap of faith felt more like a free fall or being a rabbit about to dart away down the rabbit hole, just missing the steel trap door closing on it’s cute powder puff tail. But I AM free, either way, either house. I am still free. Not only am I free, but Jason would never treat me badly. I know this, so what’s the deal, right? Maybe I wasn’t looking at the signs.

Here is what I see looking around.

Despite my turmoil at the time, I celebrated our second anniversary meet date and wrote a blog post about how we met. The how we met post. That post became one of the most viewed – ever.

Then at work, I win the drawing for a round trip Continental ticket to anywhere they fly in the US48, Canada, or Mexico and guess what? It includes a companion pass with it. Honeymoon tickets anyone? This happens on the tail end of financial difficulties from my past (ex #2) that cut the wedding budget to bupkis. Better than that, I discovered I have a plethora of hotel points through Radisson. I have never collected points of any value, but this year I did. Over 200,000 and that puts me right at a free hotel room stay – four to five nights long. TOTALLY FREE.

Finally, couples are supposed to be complimentary right? I was diagnosed with a hyperthyroidism in December. I have to take medicine to make my thyroid stop producing. Jason texts me a few days ago. He now has a thyroid problem too. He has hypOthyroidism which means – his thyroid doesn’t work. Mine overworks; his doesn’t work. If only we could be each other donors.

After this week of signs, my feet warmed right up. I know exactly where I am, and what I am doing. I have nothing to fear. And do you know what else? I see miracles.

SIGNS, I believe them. I believe there are no coincidences and I believe we are in a supernatural world.