The Shadow in Me


Sometimes, we catch a glimpse.

Of beauty.

Of life.

Our gazes wander and search.

For our fascinations.

For our dreams.

Maybe today, we catch our shadow.

Of who we are.

Of who we might be.

Our regal colors of intensity.

For our quest.

For our inspiration.

Maybe, we get lost.

We lose our way.

We lose our sight.

Our plans of peace, a shadow in our hearts.

Of what we want.

Of what we deserve.

But sometimes, our shadows emerge.

Our glimpses become clear.

Our hearts rejoice in the pureness of another day.

In all our glory.

In all our differences.

In every detail.

In every moment.

This poem is dedicated to my friend, and my mother-in-law, Sue Kelcey who has emerged from a brain aneurysm and stroke to tell the entire family and hospital floor how much she loves them. How special they are and to thank them for taking care of her since the end of September. Her heart filled with beautiful intention of getting home.

When I wonder why I am blogging, and what is it all for…..I think of her life journey. A journey that gives me inspiration to do what I do (and stop complaining already!).

I think of the pain she has been through. The struggle of physical therapy and her desire to hold hands with her family to celebrate life. Every memory, of every touch, and every touch, of every day; what kept her pushing through it all. I think of the moment this Sunday, when she hugged her granddaughters to her chest for the first time in months. Heaving sobs of gratefulness into their silky hair and squeezing them close with her one working arm. Every moment, every detail. It was beautiful. Hold on. You never know when your last day is here. Cherish the ones you have.

Encourage love. Encourage acceptance. Speak your heart. Live your dreams. Believe. The shadows are nothing but fear.

What inspires you?
PhotobucketMama's Losin' It
Prompt 2)Write about a time someone made you smile *through the happy tears*

Photos from the Butterfly Conservatory at the State Fair of Texas.

The Color Blind Photographer

My secret is out and I might just lose a few clients over this. But, considering I haven’t even started my business, maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

Here is my dilemma.

Do you see what I see?


All I see is a yellow square. Nothing else. Apparently, there is something else. Maybe a rabbit jumping through a hoop? Or a children’s choir singing Kumbaya? Me? I don’t know. That’s my point – I don’t see it. Here is the online color blind test I took. See for yourself, or in my case – not.

It started in fourth grade. We had one of those health books. They had these circle thingies where a number is displayed. I couldn’t see it. If I couldn’t see the number, it said I had red-green color blindness. What did that mean to a ten-year old? Absolutely nothing. My Dad was color blind and from other parts of the health book I learned about heredity traits. I guessed I got it from him. I knew the color red. I knew the color green. Didn’t I? I mean I saw those colors. It’s just a number in a circle, right?

Except now……

Now that I am considering a side career. Charging people to take pictures. Launching a photography business. Would you pay a color blind photographer? Is that something I’d have to disclose?

Maybe, I can use color blind photography to create a niche market. It could be a catchy. You’ll never know what colors you’ll get, but we can always revert to black and white.

I happen to love black and white photography.

It’s a little comical now. I remember watching my Dad tune the colors on his TV over and over. It was never quite right. I used to tease him and ask him what color his curtains were. He would look and look and look. Finally, he’d say red and I’d laugh. “No Dad, it’s orange. Ha. Ha. Ha.” Oh yeah, I thought it was sooo funny. Did I mention what a bratty kid I was? How about karma? Have I mentioned that lately?

I have a confession…….I am color blind and I want to be a photographer.

I confess to not seeing the numbers in the circles.

I confess.

But I will not apologize for the colors I do see.

Vibrant, rich glorious colors.

And by the way, I may be color blind and part of the 0.005% women who are affected, but I am not blind as a bat.

I can see the train coming.

So what are your thoughts? Color blind? Or color rich? Would you hire a color blind photographer?

This post part of….
Mama's Losin' It
I chose prompt number 2) (inspired by Usher) – What are your confessions?

Ten Days After 10-10-10

Four days married + six days in the hospital = ten days married.

We should will be going home today.

We have a diagnosis tentatively for Lupus. I say tentatively because, it was positive on a blood test, but only a rheumatologist can confirm diagnosis. It is possible it’s not Lupus but one of fifteen other connective tissue disorders. That’s a fancy way of saying your own body attacks your own body and causes inflammation out the wazoo that leads to ALL KINDS of problems.

I should be a redneck medical interpreter, I know..

Steroids calm it down (and did), but Jason can’t tolerate steroids (for long anyway) because of his diabetes. It messes with his sugar levels. We have been PROMISED a doctor of rheumatology that can run blood tests and release him tonight after he sees him at six (this after a patient advocate was called and some VP names were dropped. Yeah. I don’t play. Six days is enough). Then, we can blow this joint. I’m not crossing any fingers, because I will unhook him and walk him out MYself. I already cleared this with the admitting doctor. Heh.

Jason’s ex brought the girls to visit this week. It wasn’t what the doctor ordered, but by far the best medicine.


Blended families working together for the best of everyone’s benefit (and health) – that is a great accomplishment. Healing in more ways than medicinal.

When I told her we were family now – I meant it.

A big part of what has kept me going the last six days through hospital gown modeling. Camping on a chair cot. Crappy nurse care. Not eating right. Frequent back pain. And watching Jason endure and endure and endure has been the many memories of our beautiful wedding.

My friend and new sister Kellene has posted the wedding pictures during our stay in the hospital honeymoon suite.

My brilliant photographer and me.

The photographs have given us warmth and love across the miles to see her talent and see her love for us through the camera lens. I never questioned my decision to hire a photographer for the wedding and I certainly never questioned it being her. Take a look and see why for yourself.



There are more pictures on her blog and website – Bella Lucia Photography and Blog. Please visit her and share our joy with us and her incredible talent.

Also, celebrate that Jason’s illness is manageable and we praise God for that. Thanks to all the friends and family that prayed for us during this time.

We are deeply touched and grateful. Our love abounds and grows stronger through these trails.

This post edited to be part of….
Mama's Losin' It
Using prompt…
5.) “Keep your face to the sunshine and you can not see the shadow” – Helen Keller
In what ways are you able to stay positive about something that sometimes brings you down?

I commented to Mama Kat I had written so many posts during our pre-wedding and post-wedding that kept us positive through it all and she said to link one up. It was hard to choose. There are posts before and after on the story of Jason’s Mom entering ICU two weeks before our wedding date with a brain aneurysm then a stroke. We managed to pull the wedding off then end up in the hospital too. Despite it all, we kept our face to the sun and we still are. I don’t see any shadows here. Not one.

I wished for a cool breezy wind

Instead, I got slap of scorching hot blaze. The kind that sucks the air out of your lungs and makes you wish for an ice fishing hole on a frozen lake in Alaska.

The Japanese gardens – hands down – a stunningly beautiful place. But WHY do I always end up here when the temps are scalding? Summer in Texas is not kind. It’s not even safe to walk from your house to your car. It’s like orange pollution alert EVERY DAY. But, it’s really a double-edged sword. In the winter, it’s not near as beautiful as this.

That’s how we end up here to feed the koi and my latest obsession of photography. Granted, it’s only end of May. Which should still be spring. But not here. We are transported instantly to Japan and the sweltering humidity.

Look at her little red face.

We took the paths. We looked at the zen garden – which was sand – which was even hotter. Not to mention the girls were RUNNING around the zen garden – giggling, bouncing, and whoops; let’s just say not zen(ish) behavior.

Maybe, feeding the fish would make us feel cooler, yes?

I have never wanted to be a fish so badly before. Fed by children. Cooling my fins in the great depths of the fish pond.


Ahhhh!

On second thought…….

Not so much.

We trooped, sweat, and enjoyed the fresh furnace air – turn upon every lovely turn.

Then, thankfully after the last teasing waterfall we finished our tour. Distributed all our fish food and headed to the exit. I don’t think anyone was more grateful for the car A/C than me.

Now, I really want to see the Botanical Gardens, but I’m not sure I will survive. I’m hoping by November the flowers will be blooming and not the heat.

Mama's Losin' ItI chose prompt number – 5.) What did you wish for most? Write about a time when it was just too hot.