Stalking Made Easy

By an app. An app called Find My Friends.

Because really? Only friends let other friends spy….. right?


Here is how it works…

You download the app, and your friends download the app. You then invite them to spy share locations.

Then, you can view them on a map.


And watch their every move.

Because, as long as the phone is on and there is service. It displays the location.

It’s really cool and hi-tech.

If I want to know if Sydney is home from school, I look at my app.

If I want to know if Jason is still at work? I check my app.

It takes two seconds and I don’t have to wait for someone to tell me where they are. I know. Genius.

It, especially, works if Jason goes out of town. I can see when he is headed home – just by checking the app. No surprising this girl!

But what happens when a good app goes bad?

I’ve heard many stories. Man catches wife cheating…… you get the idea.

But what if it’s wrong?

Sydney and Jason pulled me up one night to see if I was headed home. I wasn’t. I was still at work.

However…the app had other ideas. It showed me – to both of them – go from the parking garage to the apartments across the street. What???? I’ve never been there in my life.

One day we got more proof, I went to Walgreens. Sydney wasn’t home, but got home while I was gone. She checked her app. It showed me at a Church.

Then, tonight, when we were all together……it showed Sydney across the freeway from us. She was across the table.

So, I think I figured it out. It’s stalker-proof. It randomly throws off your exact location – just in case. I know, riiight??

I’m sure all my stalker friends are hanging their heads in despair.

Better luck next app. This one just doesn’t cut it. It goes on too many joy rides ….way too often….or does it?

There’s an App for THAT?!?

Oh yes, my friends, there is an app for the girly time of the month. If you are male, you should probably stop reading, go pick up a hammer, and do some grunting.

Now back to the girls, my sixteen-year old daughter, of all people, told me about this app. You input your time of the month start date into your handy-dandy calendar. Like so…

It will then track your length, time, duration and everything else you hate about having a period.

Then, it does the other times of the month. Ovulation, fertility, and a few other things *wink wink*. I wish there had been one of these when I was trying to get pregnant fifteen years ago.

You can input your aches and pains. Not real sure why this is important. A form of memory torture? Yeah, I remember the cramps that day. Owww……. %$&*(…..and the zit that month was a HUGE-O-MUNGUS.

You can even pick an icon to represent the day. Now personally for me, I would pick the angry icon. I mean, hello?!, period – feel crappy for five days – yeah.

So I have used the app for a few months, and being I am almost *coughcough* forty. I tend to forget things like WHEN my period is. I can usually tell by [insert angry icon here]. And how prickly my skin gets in a crowd of people.

Now, it’s brilliant! I don’t have to rely on my spidey sense. I can just go to my app; aka Period Tracker (aptly named-heh).

I’ll admit it comes in handy and it’s kinda fun. A little girly time of the month techno geek style.

Until you see this……


Now before you do flips and start rubbing my tummy and giving me that look, you know? That one……

The one I got a few weeks ago at Wendy’s eating lunch with Jason and the girls. I hadn’t seen the nice older Church couple since before the wedding. When she asked if congratulations were in order, I thought (wrongly) she meant the wedding. Um. Oops. Yeah, sorry. I went hypothyroid last endocrinologist visit. That’s the one that makes you GAIN weight. Nice, huh? I hadn’t seen her in a while and she thought…..yeah…..soooooo embarrassing.

And how do you move out of that situation? Um, have a nice lunch (awkward!).

But back to the app, which is totally and absolutely OFF it’s rocker.

I am not late (well I might be), but I am most definitely not pregnant like the screen screams – late! late! late!

I don’t have the “plumbing” to have any more babies (fallopian tubes). So if I was, it would be Jesus Jr.

Sometimes, maybe there shouldn’t be an app for THAT?!? Or at least add a heart defibrillator for that moment of what?!?.