Some days

Some days,
I’m holding on.

Some days,
I’m letting go.

Some days,
I really wanted those dreams.

Some days,
I dream a new dream.

Some days,
life is not only unfair, but tragic.

Some days,
I feel selfish for thinking that.

Some days,
I don’t want to wake up.

Some days,
I don’t want to sleep.

Some days,
I wonder what else.

Some days,
I wonder what more.

Some days,
All I give away leaves me empty.

Some days,
All I hold dear fills me up.

Some days,
laughter is hiding.

Some days,
I am hiding.

Some days will pass…..

I had some bad news yesterday. In regards to an ongoing saga that is the leftover from ex-husband #2. Seems even now, three years later, he is still finding ways to haunt me. Many scenarios whirled through my head, but one scenario – the possibility of NOT marrying Jason this October. I can’t bring any disaster into his life, including – especially – old financial problems that might be ongoing for another six months. It’s only five months to the wedding day. Even I can do the math.

They are not being resolved the way I like, due to my father’s passing in December which is even MORE heartbreaking. Believe me, I wish he were here, but he is not. The poorest man I ever knew, who lived in the tiniest house I ever saw, simply with no want for luxury in his life, and no complaining either. He left me an insurance policy that had a small amount of money, not a lot, but enough for a nicer wedding, some upgrades to Jason’s house, and maybe help with a few other things. Enough to where, for once in my life, I could breath a little easier and not stress over finances.

But now, the bank wants it for debts from ex #2, the one who lived in a house – FREE – until it foreclosed, despite the fact it would have sold and made a small profit. The one who drove a car, a year and half, while avoiding the repo man and not paying a dime. Of course all these things and more had my name on it, because he had no credit. Now I have no credit either.

According to the lawyers, it doesn’t matter where or how the money materialized. If it was a gift or not. It doesn’t matter how I was broke for years, and years, struggling just to get make ends meet. It doesn’t matter that my dad – laid off from work with a disability – yet still, found a way to pay on that policy every year, despite his dire circumstances. That he saw a way to benefit his children in the only means he could manage, not by life, but in death. All that matters to them is that I have possession of this money and the creditors are due. Fair or not.

And what he left wasn’t about money at all, it was about the sacrifice he made. For someone to take that because of the utter selfishness and discard of another is just not right. To say I am upset is an understatement.

Jason in his wisdom and grounded thought, calmed me down, and I am so grateful for that. Life isn’t fair, but it will work out the way it’s supposed to. It already has. I am no longer psychological abused. I will never be put in that kind of financial situation again. I am gifted the love of a man pure of heart, with kindest of intentions, who wants only the best for me and Sydney with all his heart.

What more could I ask for? No monetary value can be put on that. No bank can take that away.

All I know is….today….. is just one of those days and I will get through it.

Today is proof..

I have down days. REALLY down days, and I have no idea why.

Usually, I am very happy, in fact, almost always happy. Every so often out of the blue, this hits me.

Often times it follows great joy – like what comes up, must come down.

Last time this happened, it was year after my step dad had been gone. Before that, it was a year after my divorce from #2.

Normally, it lasts a week at the most, sometimes only a few hours if people pray for me. I should be grateful, it’s THAT short.

I don’t understand this at all. It makes me wonder if it’s chemical. I can’t imagine life this way, like some people do.

I know how blessed I am. I know how loved I am. I know what I’ve overcome in my life.

So what do you do, when you feel the hounds of depression chasing you down? What do you do, when YOU KNOW what makes you happy but that source is tapped out today? What do you do when you need the sun more than anything and it’s only rolling black clouds, as far as you can see?