When They Hurt, I Hurt

On January 31, 2019 By AngeliaIn In the lives of children, Into the Blender we go- Wee!9 Comments

I have four beautiful daughters. One is my blood, two are step, and one is grand.

There is something to be said about being a mother and having children. All the sudden your heart is walking outside your body. You will do anything to protect them – from heartbreak, disappointment, loss, fear, and confusion. This need to cover them from darkness is so fierce it’s hard.

So hard to let them go and watch them understand the ways of the world – some of the worst ways. The super hard ways. How people will disappoint them. Friends will turn on them. Troubles will come and go. When there are rights and wrongs, there is indifference too. Some whys we will never understand.

Your heart explodes because they are learning the way you learned. The hard way. The harsh way. The people will let you down way.

And I still want to fight for them. So what if the world can be cruel. I am still on their side. I will fight when they are hurt. When they hurt, I hurt.

My bonus girls are now 12 and 14.

I know. I know. Just yesterday they were 2 and 4. So wittle. So chubby. So very magical. And now they are dang near grown. No more chub chub cheeks or a thousand questions. But still my kids. So you know what I mean when I say I don’t want them to hurt. This is the age when the hard truth of adulthood starts to slap them around a bit. Junior High and High School? Talk about waking up from being an innocent kid. Those are the years!

And this December was another harsh jar to their childhood. Their mother disappeared for 30 days. She did not tell the girls much. She only talked to my husband. I heard her say, “It sucks. It’s bad timing.” But that’s it. No I am sorry. No forgive me. No explanation to the girls other than she was in the “hospital”. She wasn’t. We knew that from reverse number look up. But no way to tell the girls about that. It’s not our place especially since we were not even supposed to know. But it is what it is.

Except.. this hurt my children. My bonus babes. My sweet, loving girls. To have their mother vanish. During Christmas and New Year’s no less.

Now don’t get me wrong. My husband and I loved it. We got to have an unexpected month long visit. Our whole family together and during the holidays! So this was fantastic for us.

But….what about the girls? Young girls that need their Mom. Yeah, Dad is great. Stepmom is nice. But your mom is your MOM. And I know exactly what it’s like to have her gone. It hurts. When they hurt, I hurt.

December was joyful. December was awful. I felt more sick for the girls as each day passed (even into January). I still have pains for them. But I know they are young and they heal quick. She is back and all is the way it was before (I guess).

She hasn’t really talked to us about it. She came back and that was it. I guess I am having a harder time getting over it than they are. I don’t need to know all the gritty details. I don’t even want to know. I just want to hear an I’m Sorry.

I’m sorry I hurt my children. I am sorry I had to do what I had to do. I am sorry I can’t open up about it. I am sorry I have to treat you like strangers.

And what about Thank you? Thank you for keeping the girls. Thank you for caring for them when I couldn’t. Thank for being there at Christmas. Thank your for holding them while they cried on New Years Day for their mother.

I know. I am asking too much. Demanding too much. I have no right.

But someone has to stand for these children. Someone has to fight.

I will always be there for my family. For my kids. For my husband.

I can’t be sorry for that……and I won’t. Because this isn’t about me or how I want someone to act. This is about two precious girls who shouldn’t have to feel abandoned.

Our Christmas 2014

On December 27, 2014 By AngeliaIn Beautiful Life16 Comments

Well, it happened and it happened fiercely.

Christmas 2014.

I will remember it as the Christmas I almost didn’t get the tree up.

The Christmas I almost didn’t get the presents wrapped.

The Christmas I thought would be a bit skimpy, but lo and behold, it turned out as plump and magical as always.

We did our traditional Christmas Eve candlelight service with IHOP for dinner after.

As beautiful as it was, I think we should have just stopped there. IHOP ended up being packed. The girls were in absolute distress to be late back to their mom’s.

It was actually our year for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, but we had traded it to their Mom and just borrowed them Christmas Eve. I thought this might be Bridget’s last “Santa” year and I wanted their Mom to have it. In the end, as happy as I was to have my family together on Christmas Eve, it was just too tense and I felt really bad about the late thing, even though it wasn’t exactly our fault. It still was and…it wasn’t fun. Not for anyone. I did enjoy Averey’s great-grandparents who joined us at IHOP. I do hope that becomes a new tradition.

When Christmas afternoon came, we received the gift of two stress-free happy girls ready for a wonderful Christmas Day.

I didn’t mind at all waiting until Christmas Day to open presents. It was nice to have a relaxed time of opening gifts and having some time to enjoy them.

Of course, we dressed the dogs up. Of course, we did.

Bridget’s first gift was the new Kindle we got to replace the one the thieves stole a few months ago. The tag said: To Bridget From: Someone who is sorry.

I doubt they are sorry at all, but it was a nice thought. Maybe, if they knew they took an eight-year-old’s Kindle they would feel sorry. Maybe? Nah.

Molly got a cool cat shirt. And many, many other things.

And then, the big gift they had to open last. The iPod Touch we trekked out on Black Friday to retrieve at a decent price. Oh yes, we did!

It was worth it.

The smiles. The enchantment. The surprise. Every second of blood, sweat, and tears worth it.

Okay, maybe there wasn’t any blood or tears, but I sweated to get those presents all wrapped. Phew!

The grand baby was more fun, too. Oh, she doesn’t “get” it. But it is still fun to watch her surprise. Next year, I have no doubt, she will most certainly “get” it.

One of the gifts was a set of Speed Bumper cars. Those were a big hit and just as I predicted, the big kids (including Jason) liked them just as much as the girls.

© Angelia's Photography 2014
There was another surprise for me. Jason and I had promised not to exchange gifts, but out of the tree, he pulled a little box. Inside the little box, a beautiful set of diamond earrings. Earrings I have wanted a long time. I was surprised, thrilled, and humbled. What an enormously sweet gesture.

So, Christmas 2014 was an amazing day!

And now, the fun really begins….

Father’s Day 2014

On June 15, 2014June 15, 2014 By AngeliaIn In the lives of children17 Comments

Most know, this is not the easiest day for me. I miss the two dads in my life more than anything. One not more than the other. Both leave a gaping hole in my heart. And not a single Father’s Day passes in which I don’t yearn to hug them and smile with them. Neither of which I can do as they have both been gone for many years now. I hug my heart and hope the day passes quickly.

I think one of the hardest parts of missing the day with them is because it feels like a very secluded thing. I don’t think anyone can understand my pain and the hurt of missing them. Not to mention the confusion of celebration versus grief.

But a funny thing happened…a poem I wrote on Father’s Day 2011 (last year and this year) ended up with hundreds and hundreds of hits on Father’s Day weekend. I thought the first time it was a crazy fluke, but this year it happened again. I knew it wasn’t just a SEO dream come true. This poem is titled If Heaven had a Father’s Day.

And it is very clear to me that I am NOT the only one missing my Dad(s). I am not the only one that yearns for a Father’s Day hug from one that is no longer here. And the big hole in my heart is a just a bit bigger for all them too.

This year, I changed it up. I decided I would not be sad (as much), but I would celebrate the Dad in my life today. He is my husband. He is a terrific Father with two wonderful girls. A wonderful stepfather to my girl. I must admit, this is my first experience with video, but I did try my best. And you know what? It worked. I ended up way to busy to be sad.

This crafting of video and photos. The process of making the “tape” brought so much life to the present. How could I dwell on what I am missing when there is so much to be part of right now? My step girls are growing up way too fast.

So to my husband, I thank you…and I celebrate you…the girls and I loved making this for you. I think it is more precious than a simple card.

This is a hilarious response to what they know about him when I asked them both to tell me about their dad.

As a bonus…a little behind the scenes photo booth using a song for twins. It is an inside joke with our family, but oh so appropriate.

Happy Father’s Day to all!

Breaking Nine

On April 27, 2014April 27, 2014 By AngeliaIn Into the Blender we go- Wee!, Life..Camera...Action!12 Comments

Backpacks gather. Shoes find the right feet. Dogs go into their crates and in all the rustle, bustle of preparing to leave Thursday night, I hear her Dad call out, “Can I hug nine-year-old Molly for the last time?”

She sheepishly grins and wraps her arms around him squeezing tight. I turn from my office chair and say just as loud, “Ohhhhh, I want to hug a nine-year-old Molly for the last time, too!” She smiles and opens her arms to me.

I hug her hard and I try to remember every single thing about her, right then, right in this very moment. I close my eyes and concentrate. Did six years really just flash by in a blink?

She is heading home to her Mom’s house for the weekend, and the next time I see her, she will break nine at ten-years old. Ten!

The tiny tot of four who I met all those years ago? She doesn’t miss a step as she leaps into her double digits. She does it and she does it with all the grace and muster of a grown-up, and all the soft, gentle sweetness of a child.

I can’t believe it.

It really doesn’t seem that long ago…

It’s bad enough I watched one little girl grow up too fast. Do I really have to watch another? And really, two more? What was I thinking? This is not cool. Not cool at all.

Dear Life….slow down!

::Sigh::

I put together some photos through the years. Mostly because, I ~~like to cry~~ like to see how fast they grow. Maybe it’s my proof that this all really happened, and I watched it happen.