children of divorce – Living, Loving, Laughing….

Every year since Sydney was about five years old, we said good-bye, as she spent time in the summer with her Dad, her Nana, Aunts, Uncles, and many cousins. This is typical of divorced families, as it something usually set in the divorce decree. We pack our babies up and send them to Dad’s for a month.

Summer after the divorce.

It’s part of the divorce life. For me, it wasn’t so bad. I got a break from single parenting and her Dad got to really live with her for a while. Sydney loves her Dad.

Image from Facebook.

She loves to spend time with him and he is a wonderful man (hey, I have to give myself some credit, I did marry him, right?). We get along, not because we are all that (although we are very good friends), but because we both love this little girl soooo much. It is our desire to make life easier for her. So as ugly as the divorce was, we made it work for the best. After a year, we didn’t even go by the custody papers. He could spend time with her, whenever he wished. And the summer month of custody got longer. The one month turned into two.

It was hard when she was little. I didn’t call every day. I felt she was with him, and needed that alone time. Usually she was out-of-town, either on trips with him, or visiting relatives in Oklahoma. I’m not sure when she started going to Gulfport Beach, Mississippi. Maybe, when she was ten or eleven years old. Her Aunt, her Dad’s sister, lives there, and wanted her to visit. It’s an hour from Pensacola, Florida. It’s on the beach. Lots of fun touristy things to do. Plus, who wouldn’t LOVE being spoiled by an Aunt who only has one niece.

So off she would go every summer, somewhere, mainly the Gulf Coast. Her Dad moved there last year, so her trips to Gulfport – more regular. Spring Break, and summer. Yeah, tough life, huh kid?

Image from Facebook.

This year was no exception, she left at the beginning of June. In honor of her sweet sixteen birthday, her Aunt took her on a cruise for five days. They had a party for her on the boat. Seriously? This kid lives large.

Image by Facebook.

One of the port stops – Cozumel, Mexico.

Image by Facebook.

The cruise is not all. She typically gets to attend every concert venue at the Hard Rock Hotel. Has met multiple celebrities back stage. During the day, she gets her choice of the pool, water park, or beach. Then, weekend, or day trips, to Gulf Shores, Alabama, and Mobile. Her summer is filled with precious memories. I couldn’t ask for anything better for my daughter, to get to live, and experience life at many places, and with many different people.

The last two years, summers have been a little more bearable. We have text messaging, and Facebook to keep in touch. Both of us have an iPhone 3GS, we can send short videos and pictures. It has kept her up-to-date on Brownie and her (almost) step-sisters.

This is the first year (since 1999) that I have spent time feeling sad and REALLY missing her. Maybe as the clock turns, and her summers come to end (as she knows it and me), it’s harder.

Maybe, I just miss my buddy that makes me laugh and goes to the movies with me. I miss our favorite meal; Penna Rustica at Macaroni Grill. But really, I miss her company most of all.

Pretty soon, she will be working, driving, graduating, and moving on to college, or a career. Summers end. For good.

Image by Angel Lia’s Photography.

I miss you Sydney!

Jason’s summer month with the girls (experiencing the flip side of divorce has been so different) is also coming to a close. As you can see from some of the posts, we had some great times. Water parks, movies, mini dates, and playing princess at the nail salon. Three more days and the girls go from every night sleeping at Dad’s except four; to four nights sleeping at Dad’s. It is going to be a big change for us all. We have really squeezed every drop of fun out of this summer. It will be hard to see them go, especially knowing how long the gaps are in-between.

I’m sure it’s the same for Sydney’s Dad. The good news is…….he is moving back to Texas. Being nine hours closer to her Dad, Stepmom, and little brother will be a dream come true.

Parents, the summer is wrapping up. The kids will be coming home. If you are like me, they return, older, taller, and more mature. Your heart does a little flip-flop, because HOW could they grow that much, that fast. Every year it’s the same astonishment. One thing that won’t be a surprise, that first hug – it’s the sweetest I know.

Can’t wait! See ya soon, Syd.

Without forgiveness life is governed by…an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.
– Roberto Assagioli

The positive cycle of forgiveness

OK, be honest. Do you hold grudges? Do you allow old drama to determine your behavior? Is there someone you just can’t seem to forgive? Grudges and a non-forgiving attitude do nothing but harm both parties. You might feel like you’re “winning” by not letting someone off the hook, but you’re only increasing your own worry and stress. Bitterness can lead to hate, which can sour a life. Today, write a letter explaining your point of view to the person you feel resentful towards. Clear the air; forgiving him. Even if you don’t send it, it is an excellent way to relieve tension. Forgiving someone does not absolve them of the wrong that you experienced. It can simply free you to live a life that isn’t anchored to the hurt and resentment of past events.

Brought to you by Sparkpeople

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I was never one to hold grudges. Nope. I got even, usually, without the person even knowing it. Imagine evil gleam in my eye as I plotted. HA HA HA. My passive aggressive style was brilliant. But then I grew up, or life happened, and I discovered some things just weren’t that important. Revenge was one of them.

I learned something else as well. I wasn’t always right. Is that to say I was never wronged? Of course not. Is that to say life is fair? Uh, nope. Aren’t I really just a door mat then, taking it and taking it? I am not.

There is a lot that happened in my past that I could be bitter about; angry about. A lot of resentments I could harbor, but I CHOOSE to live my life in such a way that everything is a blessing. Good or bad. That doesn’t leave any room for resentments or anger because there is none.

Somehow, someway whatever it is, is going to turn around. When my daughter’s dad and I divorced. I was young and hard hearted. I cared about me, and me only. He dared to want full custody of our then, 3 1/2 yr old daughter. I was floored and angry. Babies belong with their mothers. This is how I grew up and this is how she would grow up. How dare he! Did he really think I was a bad mother?

I didn’t think about what was best for Sydney. Nor did I think about what was fair as parents, who both had a part in bringing this life into the world. I was full of revenge, and resentment towards him wanting to keep me out of the picture.

Turns out, back then, his attorney advised him full custody wasn’t an option. I felt like I won! Revenge was sweet.

Years later, I am horrified at my behavior and thought process. How could I have been so cold? So selfish? Why in the world did I not think of Sydney? Was I numb to her broken heart when I picked her up from her Dads and she cried for him the whole 40min drive home? Why did I think it was about her rejecting ME for him? When it was really HER needing more time with her Dad.

Today, I am with a man who has two young daughters. He has visitation every other weekend and very brief dinner time twice during the week. I see their joy when he takes them in his arms. I see how much they need him and miss him. I hear their cries on the car trip home to their mothers.

Friends, I have come full circle from being that mom on the one side, to being on the other side in the Dads situation. I understand my part, from way back then, more than ever. The blessing? I have more compassion towards Jason and the girls than I ever would have had. I understand completely. My love overflows for them and their anguish.

I have forgiveness for situations like these that are so very hard. I can forgive myself for my part of the custody arrangement with Sydney’s Dad. For being so hard, unrelenting, and immature as an inexperienced mom who just didn’t consider other possibilities than what I grew up with.

Luckily, her dad and I were good friends a little after the divorce. He cared for Sydney whenever he wanted. We lived in the same town, and even the same street for a while. It worked out in her favor, but only because I allowed it to and did not hold my resentment a prisoner in my heart. And you know what? Neither did he.

He was not out to get me. He was out to do and be the best father for his child. I wanted the divorce not him. He was just trying to survive the aftermath with his baby he dearly loved.

I am grateful for my positive cycle of forgiveness. I am grateful for all that I have learned (and will learn). My hope is that it carries over into the lives of our children. I hope they will practice forgiveness and live free and happy.

Choose to forgive, don’t waste any precious time nurturing the seeds of bitterness. Spit them out, swallow your pride. Be kind to yourself and fill up with good things. It will make way for great love and understanding in your soul. It will bring you peace and joy.