Tag: DIVORCE

Kids of Summer

On By AngeliaIn In the lives of children, Wee Wee Wee all the way home!27 Comments

Every year since Sydney was about five years old, we said good-bye, as she spent time in the summer with her Dad, her Nana, Aunts, Uncles, and many cousins. This is typical of divorced families, as it something usually set in the divorce decree. We pack our babies up and send them to Dad’s for a month.

Summer after the divorce.

It’s part of the divorce life. For me, it wasn’t so bad. I got a break from single parenting and her Dad got to really live with her for a while. Sydney loves her Dad.

Image from Facebook.

She loves to spend time with him and he is a wonderful man (hey, I have to give myself some credit, I did marry him, right?). We get along, not because we are all that (although we are very good friends), but because we both love this little girl soooo much. It is our desire to make life easier for her. So as ugly as the divorce was, we made it work for the best. After a year, we didn’t even go by the custody papers. He could spend time with her, whenever he wished. And the summer month of custody got longer. The one month turned into two.

It was hard when she was little. I didn’t call every day. I felt she was with him, and needed that alone time. Usually she was out-of-town, either on trips with him, or visiting relatives in Oklahoma. I’m not sure when she started going to Gulfport Beach, Mississippi. Maybe, when she was ten or eleven years old. Her Aunt, her Dad’s sister, lives there, and wanted her to visit. It’s an hour from Pensacola, Florida. It’s on the beach. Lots of fun touristy things to do. Plus, who wouldn’t LOVE being spoiled by an Aunt who only has one niece.

So off she would go every summer, somewhere, mainly the Gulf Coast. Her Dad moved there last year, so her trips to Gulfport – more regular. Spring Break, and summer. Yeah, tough life, huh kid?

Image from Facebook.

This year was no exception, she left at the beginning of June. In honor of her sweet sixteen birthday, her Aunt took her on a cruise for five days. They had a party for her on the boat. Seriously? This kid lives large.

Image by Facebook.

One of the port stops – Cozumel, Mexico.

Image by Facebook.

The cruise is not all. She typically gets to attend every concert venue at the Hard Rock Hotel. Has met multiple celebrities back stage. During the day, she gets her choice of the pool, water park, or beach. Then, weekend, or day trips, to Gulf Shores, Alabama, and Mobile. Her summer is filled with precious memories. I couldn’t ask for anything better for my daughter, to get to live, and experience life at many places, and with many different people.

The last two years, summers have been a little more bearable. We have text messaging, and Facebook to keep in touch. Both of us have an iPhone 3GS, we can send short videos and pictures. It has kept her up-to-date on Brownie and her (almost) step-sisters.

This is the first year (since 1999) that I have spent time feeling sad and REALLY missing her. Maybe as the clock turns, and her summers come to end (as she knows it and me), it’s harder.

Maybe, I just miss my buddy that makes me laugh and goes to the movies with me. I miss our favorite meal; Penna Rustica at Macaroni Grill. But really, I miss her company most of all.

Pretty soon, she will be working, driving, graduating, and moving on to college, or a career. Summers end. For good.


Image by Angel Lia’s Photography.

I miss you Sydney!

Jason’s summer month with the girls (experiencing the flip side of divorce has been so different) is also coming to a close. As you can see from some of the posts, we had some great times. Water parks, movies, mini dates, and playing princess at the nail salon. Three more days and the girls go from every night sleeping at Dad’s except four; to four nights sleeping at Dad’s. It is going to be a big change for us all. We have really squeezed every drop of fun out of this summer. It will be hard to see them go, especially knowing how long the gaps are in-between.

I’m sure it’s the same for Sydney’s Dad. The good news is…….he is moving back to Texas. Being nine hours closer to her Dad, Stepmom, and little brother will be a dream come true.

Parents, the summer is wrapping up. The kids will be coming home. If you are like me, they return, older, taller, and more mature. Your heart does a little flip-flop, because HOW could they grow that much, that fast. Every year it’s the same astonishment. One thing that won’t be a surprise, that first hug – it’s the sweetest I know.

Can’t wait! See ya soon, Syd.

Shy Baby Chubba Cheeks

On By AngeliaIn In my heart forever & ever, In the lives of children, Timeless Treasures35 Comments

Two summers ago, these two little girls came unexpectedly into my life. Unexpected because I did NOT want to date anyone who had children. Not because of the children, I love kids. It’s the other parent I have problems with and that messy situation is a little too much, so I thought. There’s plenty of single childless men in the sea, right?

But…….the man upstairs had other plans (and isn’t that JUST what I get for thinking that?).

I am glad he knows better than I, because what I would have missed……. here they come two big-eyed dark headed shy little girls into my heart. I met Molly before Bridget and talked about it in her birthday post here.

I met Bridget a few days after her 2nd birthday, July 4th. It was in the garage. Jason had pulled the Commander in and was getting them out of the car. She was clinging to her daddy like a little monkey. Her head on his big shoulder, her arms tight around him. All I could see were those chubba cheeks with pigtails.


Bridget on the right, at almost two years old.

She didn’t smile. She didn’t laugh, just ducked her head not looking at me. But oh! She was precious. She was a BABY. I couldn’t believe how little she was. I, like any normal person, wanted to squeeze her to death, and pinch her little cheeks. But she would have none of me. That’s okay. One thing I am, is VERY patient.

We trekked to a ridge in Fort Worth to set up chairs to watch fireworks, since Dad had three chairs, a blanket, and a cooler to tote. Guess who got her hands on chubba cheeks? Squeee!

Up we went and got settled. She wasn’t so afraid of me after that. She sat in the chair next to me and stuffed her little chubba cheeks with peanuts. Fascinating how many they could hold.

We had a good time and she even let me carry her down the hill back to the car. But let me tell you something. Steep hill + flip-flops + child in arms + plus four-year old child in hand = FALL.

Yep, I fell. She cried, and really didn’t want much to do with me after that. Can you blame her?

She stayed Daddy’s girl for a long, long time….

Until I was safe…..and she was sure I was safe, ha!

I think it was October 2009 when our breakthrough occurred. She let me carry her after the State Fair, and she would NOT go to Daddy, or let him hold her. Only me. I had arrived in shy baby’s world.

Today, life with her is amazing. She is the kindest, sweetest baby girl. She gives the best hugs, the best cheesy grins, and she will pat and rub to her heart’s content as she lays her head down in comfort next to mine.

Shy baby chubba chubba cheeks, how I adore you. Your smile lights my world and your heart sings the sweetest song to mine.

Happy, Happy Fourth Birthday! My how you have grown into a BEAUTIFUL little girl.

I’m not getting married

On By AngeliaIn Love and Light, The good the bad and the beautiful, Timeless Treasures29 Comments

…again,” she said firmly, eyes flashing. “I mean never. I am not doing this again. Going through all this stuff. The end, after twenty-two years. Mark my words. It’s not worth it.”

The discussion dashed out, dancing angrily in the air, walking with us on the park path. She said it with such conviction. Not a shred of doubt in her voice. I had to look at her face to see the hardness in her eyes and the set of her mouth.

I sighed inside. It’s not what I wanted for her. Me, who divorced twice. Me, who knew the journey she was choosing included a darker path than the one we walked toward the woods. Destination agony. The light as far away as it was now, and just as hard to reach. The bitter battle boiling as she marched towards the front lines – divorce.

The trail became somber and dark. The only sound, a whispering of our foot scraps, a slight huff of our breath. I silently pondered what to say – how to say – I’m sorry…….

Or I’m happy for you…..

No words seem right in these situations. Especially when you are talking with someone you love.

I am responsible for this. Wasn’t she following my lead? Didn’t I make this divorced life seem fun and interesting? Hadn’t I given her all my books on self-help? Was it the novel, Eat, Love, and Pray by Elizabeth Gilbert, infecting her need to find herself? Journey off to Italy to banish the demons, meditate with a guru in India, and be whatever it took, to finally find her happiness. But would she? Would she really? Because it would be mighty easy to just be bitter.

To hate men for the rest of her life. She wanted a lover in her future with no strings attached. HER. Mrs. Goody two-shoes of all time. A so-called life of fling with someone who wouldn’t commit, couldn’t commit, nor love her. Is that what she thought she deserved? To be smacked with inconsideration, and heartlessness. This was her freedom?

She was certain this is what she wanted. “I’m not getting married again – ever” her speech stabbed the air sharply and just as quickly lost its punch.

“It’s too painful.”

Like knocking back a shot of suffering, she went on with a little too much cheer. She explained the joys of a single apartment. The endless trips to IKEA. The privacy. She would live right next to the hospital she worked at. The security guards she knew could keep an eye on her, and tell her which apartments had the lowest crime. She couldn’t WAIT. But still….it was so different. She had always been caretaker, and home keeper. She was brilliant at it. Entertaining, nourishing children, tables over flowing with guests, country crafts being made, and calendars full of nonstop events. To go from Susie Homemaker to the spinster aunt? It just didn’t seem right.

My heart broke for her decision. Not because I didn’t want her to not marry again, but because even though I was fresh from divorce, I didn’t feel hate towards marriage. I knew it could be a glorious thing with people who jointly wanted to work at it. That sought God above all else – without selfishness, without blame, or worthlessness. That chose to sacrifice for a love that fills every hole. But she was tender. A fresh shoot, so fragile and she needed me to listen and to understand her angst.

I felt it was my fault. She admired my strength and felt weak in that towering shadow. But no, it wasn’t me. It was her life. Her choice. All I could do was support her through what she was going through. Be there with her, through every stinging barb, and every cry. Eventually the darkness would fade away. Eventually the pathway would brighten. Eventually the wounds would heal and there, on the other side, we would meet. In the bright light of sweet peace with arms wide open to welcome her new life.

My dear sister….you glow today and I haven’t even seen you yet. I am standing in that ring of light – so happy for you. I knew you would find your way to your true heart path. I knew, you’d be here as hard as it was. Today, you marry your best friend and soul mate. Today, a man opens his heart to you after being scared and widowed for long, long time. Today, you become step mom to young Leighann and beautiful Chelsea; a critically ill special needs child that only someone like you would accept and love as your own. Today, we celebrate the light in you both, that found its way from the gloom of despair and devastation – from loss and divorce – to the wonders of amazing love. Today, we celebrate………………………again!

“Success in marriage is much more than finding the right person; it is a matter of being the right person”

-Anonymous

Congratulations Roger and Deedy. June 12th, 2010. Stay tuned for photographs through the tears. You might even recognize the flower girls.

Sunday Healthy Reflection-Struggling to find your voice

On By AngeliaIn Life is what you make it.38 Comments

It is the path of least resistance that makes rivers and men crooked.

– B.J. Palmer, father of chiropractic

Struggling to find your voice

In the face of conflict we might be tempted to just go with the flow and not make waves. The path of least resistance is saying “yes” when you want to say “no” and that road is always paved with regrets and mistakes. While compromise is good and a necessary part of healthy relationships, no one should have to fully deny their feelings and remain voiceless while others dominate a situation. It might feel easier to nod your head and passively agree, but in the long run you are being cheated. While there might be a whole list of justifications and excuses for stepping off the path of your principles, staying true to yourself reaps countless more rewards than selling out to appease someone else. Reconcile today the negative passivity you have displayed in the past.

Brought to you by Sparkpeople’s Healthy Reflections.

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Staying true to myself. A very difficult thing to do. I am not a selfish person by nature. I want to please everyone. I want to make THEM happy, even at the risk of being unhappy myself. I might give up something I want just to make the situation peaceful, without conflict. And I know….it’s not right. It’s not the best for me. My friend over at The Grown up Child, a blog about children of divorce would say, my nature is to be pleasing, because it is how I coped when my parents divorced. I bent. I agreed. I pleased. I wanted all my parents to be happy. I didn’t want to rock the boat.

In later years, my teens, I would deal with alcoholism from both sets of parents. Whatever boundaries I might have tentatively established were pretty much wiped out during those trails. Welcome to co-dependency. It took until my mid-thirties to really come to terms with me. Discover healing, standing up for myself, being selfish, and truly leading a life that I wanted. One with boundaries and principles. It was very difficult. That wasn’t comfortable for me. And I couldn’t do it completely on my own, my strength wasn’t just mine. I had a lot of help with God next to me, guiding me, and giving me the courage.

I say all that because it is SO easy to knock it all down. One yes. One turning the other cheek. One compromise. One pleasing moment too many. It all trembles. YEARS of work. YEARS of building come to a crashing cliffhanger. The difference between then and now? I understand what is going on. I can plug the hole, move the stone, and stop the tremulous swaying. But it takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of faith. It takes overcoming the FEAR of failing. The FEAR of rejection.

Right now, this reflection speaks to me because I have conceded one too many times in the last few years. Maybe I pursued the wrong choice. Maybe I compromised my convictions. Let things go one too many times. Whatever the case, it has produced negativity and strife in my life, not to mention utter passiveness, which has spilled over – personally – affecting my nature for the worst. I have dishonored my work ethics. I am not reaching my best, nor am I staying true to myself, and the integrity I hold dear. Integrity I worked YEARS to build.

I have also ignored signs of boundary struggles that my daughter is having. She is only fifteen. This is a very important time in her life. I don’t want her to go through the struggles I had. Thankfully, I can talk to her. My experiences can help her understand what she is going through. I didn’t have anyone at her age to help me with that. Of course, I won’t make decisions for her. I will only help her know she has choices and she does not have to say yes when she wants to say no. To anyone. Not even family. Not even me. She has a voice.

And I remember something else too, I have to turn up the volume on my voice. The one that speaks for me. My values. My honor. I will not settle for less. I might not make a lot people happy with what I choose, but I have to stay true to me. True to my family. True to what will give us the greatest life possible. Jason, Sydney, Molly and Bridget are worthy of that. And do you know what that is? A healthy, happy me. Sound selfish? You bet. I only have this time, this moment, these years to make a positive impact on the family I love. I will not be passive. I will not cheat myself for any means. I have justified my situation for far too long and it’s time to change for the better.

So tell me, how do you find your voice when it seems lost in the roar of life? What affirmations do you tell yourself to stand firm in what you believe?