A place I return to……

On July 30, 2012July 31, 2012 By AngeliaIn Angels among Us, Beautiful Life21 Comments

I pulled through the narrow opening of the rusty swing gate. I steered the car carefully down the gravel path making the sharp left turn. I stopped and backed up going off-road, inwardly cringing I could be driving over a grave. I apologized in my head and straightened the car to face back the direction I came. The rusty white gate lay ahead in the distance. I briefly wondered if I could navigate the beast back through without a scratch…then pushed the thought aside.

I was stalling.

This is the hardest part for me. Getting out of the car and walking to the grave.

Most times I like to go alone because, with him, my emotions are raw. Too raw for me to share easily. Plus, I like talk to him. I tell him everything. Oh I know he is not there, not physically, but in my heart, I know he hears me. I know this is what I need.

I exit the car and briefly wonder if I should take my camera, then I think….no, I have my phone. The slam of the car door seems too loud in the small, quiet graveyard. I softly crunch through the yellow grass as I head towards the black stone. I glance at the other stones, and I smile sadly.

This place. Where so many cried, and yearned, and missed someone deeply. It’s not just their loved ones here, but part of them too. The part that died with them.

I approach his grave expecting the brick to hit my chest, and the burning tears to fly as my throat chokes. I wait and I smile my sad smile in remembrance of such a wonderful father and I realize………

I’m not as sad as years past.

In fact, I almost didn’t come this year. So many things to do, at home, and with the kids. Physical ailments – hives, hormones, and the stress of work on top of work.

I needed to get so many things done. I did not have time to drive six hours to Oklahoma and back to visit a grave. A stone. A stone in the ground and that is it.

Yet, here I am………because I couldn’t NOT come.

It was on a Sunday then too…..FOUR years ago……I hugged his neck for the last time.

I didn’t know it would be the last time. How could I? He was fine. He was my rock. He was always going to be there…..at least for many more years.

But in an instant. A blocked artery. A fateful night. He was gone. So suddenly.

So I come. I come on the Sunday I saw him last. I come to remember, and to thank him for all his years.

I bend down. Surprised by the peace I feel. Surprised that the years passing really do make it easier. My hand rests on the hot stone.

We talk.

And it ends as it always ends. My heart emptying out my thankfulness for his goodness, for his love, and for his shining example of strength. His handicap taught me so much about always pushing forward with your head up – no matter what.

My God, if a crippled man could do life so well. I could too. I could learn from my mistakes. I could love myself in spite of my failures….in spite of my anxieties…..in spite of my overwhelming stress of doing too much, seeking too hard, and falling over my dreams in a rush.

I feel his pride in my soul. My strength. The reason I keep my head up.

Maybe he is gone. Maybe he isn’t.

The tears drop as I turn away. In a blur, the dry dirt swallows them.

I turn to see his view and I think…how perfect.

A beautiful setting for a beautiful soul.

I whisper as I walk away….I’ll see you again…..real soon. And I smile.

A Taste of Spring in the Heat of Summer

On August 16, 2011August 16, 2011 By AngeliaIn Beautiful Life16 Comments

My Mother’s garden.

In the Spring, the hands of my mother turn the soil. She picks each plant lovingly and places it in the dirt. She pats the ground around it and wills it to grow beautiful.

She works her garden all the year, but most especially, spring and summer. Sweating, watering, and arranging until she gets it just about right (but it’s never done).

We look upon her gallery of color and placement as if in the finest of museums. From one garden bed to the next, there is more to gaze upon and revel in. Hidden delights find your eye in wonder. Magic sparkles and weaves throughout the yard, delighting in fairy tales come true.

I don’t know if I every thanked my mother for her work, or for the love of gardening, she has instilled in me. I don’t know if she knows how much I appreciate the beauty she brings to life.

I took my camera to Oklahoma, in hopes, I could capture her joy and return it to her.

Mom, you make life more beautiful by just being in it. Thank-you for what you share with us, and for what I can share with all of you.

Gardening is a very special gift. It’s a mix of nurture, artistry, and love. There are many lessons taught in the garden of life. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

“There is always music amongst the trees in the garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it.”

When the world wearies and society ceases to satisfy, there is always the garden.”

“A little garden in which to walk, and immensity in which to dream.”

“All the flowers of tomorrow are in the seeds of yesterday.”

“As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.”-Ben Hogan

“”True progress quietly and persistently moves along without notice.”
— St. Francis of Assisi

“To plant a garden is to believe in the future.”

“Flowers… are a proud assertion that a ray of beauty outvalues all the utilities of the world.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1844

“Flowers whisper “Beauty!” to the world, even as they fade, wilt, fall.” ~Dr. SunWolf

“Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll.”

Shooting RAW in CS5: What I learned in Photoshop Class

On July 26, 2011July 27, 2011 By AngeliaIn Angelia's Photography, Beautiful Life, Posessed by Nikon17 Comments

I took beginner Photoshop at the start of April. My CS5 was a gift from Christmas and I had not even cracked the box open. MY ADD and HIC (head-in-clouds), a much too strong of a contender, to learn anything from a book or videos. So, I took the class and learned the basics.

My aversion to CS5 and the “art”, and the “creativity”, suddenly had a completely different perspective.

It was a whole new world opening up for me. So much so, I signed up for the next set of classes taking Advanced Photoshop. I am happy to say, it was just as hard, and I learned just as much.

I am FAR from an expert in Photoshop, but I am now a believer. Yes, I want to shoot pictures and have that “perfect” shot, but I also love to play and create.

We learned RAW and I took my first photographs using RAW.

Then? I created.

Then? We learned HDR and panoramic (also shot in RAW).

Then? I learned and I created.

But rather than talk about my new-found love, I will show you my first images, shot and edited in RAW, then tweaked in Photoshop. I will show you why I get so wrapped up in the world beyond SOOC and how I lose my time to editing.

This original photo of glass jars was taken by my instructor Lindsey. It was only two glass jars and they were blue. We made a collage in class, then I added edits to it. I just love how effects made it turn out to look like a reflection.

HDR photograph of the Cowboys Stadium in Arlington. HDR stands for High Dynamic Range. You take three photos and merge them into one for the perfect exposure.

My first panoramic shot. I could tinker with this one some more, but love the perspective.

One of my favorites, the Rangers Ballpark in Arlington with Six Flags over Texas next to it. You can hear the screams from here. This was taken at twilight.

This last photo is also HDR with the detail pumped up and probably what most of you are used to seeing HDR looks like. I am not a huge fan of the HDR-ish photos, but love the texture of this one.

So there you have it, from RAW to rich, and a newly turned fan of CS5.

It’s stunning what you can do when you open your mind to the limitless possibilities.

Halfway There

On January 25, 2011January 26, 2011 By AngeliaIn Days and Nights, Posessed by Nikon16 Comments

Tonight was my third photography class. A continuing ed photography course taught at the local University in Arlington. This is the same University my husband Jason works at. He is an IT Systems Manager, but their department does not include the continuing ed classes. Still….. I get excited being there. It is where he has worked or gone to classes for over thirteen years (or longer).

I have never gone to college and this is about the closest thing for me. Here I am, a student in Trimble Hall at age 39. Awh! Now if only I could figure out directions, and which way is which, to and from class to the parking lot. I get turned around – every time. Pitiful, I know!

Our lesson was using the camera’s built-in meter. I won’t go much into the light metering lesson (or you’ll be as lost as me-ha!). It’s probably one of the more difficult things to catch on to (or it could be me?), because it relates to exposure and tones. Those things can be interpreted differently by different eyes. You can be mathematically correct, but yet prefer a different tone, and guess what? That’s not wrong. Wrong can be right, and right can be wrong. That sums up light metering. The good news is – after a while – your eye recognizes the exposure and remembers the right meter.

Memorization I can do.

Grey is always mid-tone, a non-reflective grey. We metered the camera on the grey disc (pretty sure it’s not called that-sorry for the non-technical term). Then, shot around the room. It should be the right exposures, but again, based on your preference and as long as it’s not something mainly black or white.

Not a lot of interesting things in a classroom. But here are a few of my practices.

My last photo, because of the white, required an altering from the grey metering, otherwise it looked crappy (too bright). I changed it to get some kind of photo to represent my day. It was a normal busy day. I had a doctor’s appointment, work, and class until 930pm (then cleaning the kitchen, eating, studying my chapters, and feeding the dogs). As you can tell by this schedule, these were the only pictures I had time to do for my 365 Project.