Dear Trick or Treater

I have a confession to make. When shopping for Halloween candy to give out this year, I had you in mind. You wouldn’t receive the “bad” candy; tootsie rolls, pixie sticks, or smarties. That just wasn’t good enough. Not for you. Not for my trick or treater. Nope, for you, I would splurge on (gasp!) chocolate. Because? It’s Halloween. It’s a treat. You deserve it! You deserve it for all the times the wee will be scared out of you on this Hallowed frightfest night. And what could I get you that would be most deserving of your adorable costume? Your pumpkin bucket? Your painted green witch face? Your big smile and open mouth? A treat, I myself would love to receive. A treat that is chocolaty, and peanut buttery, so smooth in all it’s yummy goodness it should be renamed chocolate heaven.

Reese’s Peanut Butter cups

Scrumptious, most delicious treat of all Halloween time.

This is the good stuff.

This is what you deserve my little sweet faced friend. I bought bags with you in mind. With your well-being. With your coming home shrieking in pleasure, “Reese’s! Reese’s! I got a Reese’s from the house that gives out the good candy. Yeah!”

I felt like the Grinch who saved Halloween and grew a heart to stop handing out orange and black peanut butter chews for something with substance. Good candy. Chocolate candy. I am nothing but over generous.

Then, it happened.

I had one little bite. Just one Reese cup package. Just a little snack. Just a desert after dinner. It was my biggest mistake and a pitiful spiral of self-control defeat worthy of any horror flick.

One opened the sacred bag. One lead to another. I was taking “one” to eat after lunch, then “one” mid-breakfast, and then “one” as an after work snack; after stress treat, after dinner, before bed. And……and….and….and…..

I’m sorry.

I hang my head in shame. The Reese’s are gone. I am not allowed to buy anymore. There is no more “good” candy allowed in this house. Only the stuff I won’t touch. Maybe you should just skip our house?

I apologize dear trick or treater. It’s all my fault. Enjoy your dots….

…..again.

Next year. NEXT year, we will have the “good” stuff……..I (um) promise.

*images by Google

The Truth– Why your New Year’s Resolution failed.

The truth hurts. I am going to give it to you straight. You were suckered my friend. You were blindsided, and betrayed by sweet little girls wearing green outfits with sashes. Sashes with badges and pins. I can practically see them swirling and twirling as a lure.

Those rosy cheeks, those twinkling eyes, and sunlit smiles. You didn’t even know what hit you, did you? One second you were walking into the grocery store – next thing you know – you are back in your car with six boxes of cookies stacked next to you on the passenger seat. You have no idea, right?


Photo by Babble.

The delicious minty goodness of Thin Mints. The mouth numbing madness of Peanut Butter Patties. The oh-so-chewy sweet Samoas. The crunchy Peanut Buttery Sandwiches from heaven. Let’s not even talk about the sugar melting Short Bread, and the fudge fountain of Thanks-A-Lot (yeah, thanks A LOT). Don’t even look for the low fat brands. They aren’t there. Go ahead, bow your head shamefully, and while you’re there wipe the sweat off. Pathetic.

I’ll tell you this. You are two seconds away from breaking your New Year’s resolution. That is, if you’ve made it this far already. Go ahead, open up a box. One won’t hurt. You believe that? I’ll tell you another one. But I think you get my point. Stop shaking and gripping your fists. Those girls got you. They got you.

Don’t try to breathe through it. It’s done. No you can’t take them back!?!? Are you mad? Do you want to DIE? Besides, you’re busted. Go home. Make some coffee or milk. Fight this battle another day. The super hero has left the building. The enemy has landed.

You can run, but you can’t hide. Now that you’ve seen them. You will see them EVERYWHERE. Malls, sidewalks, parks, and even at your office. It’s like those illusion drawings. They appear magically, then there is no erasing them again. You know what they look like. They will come for you. Tempting you, with their sweet faces, and silent begging eyes.

You think shutting your eyes will help? Maybe you won’t see them, but you will hear their musical giggles. Will you please buy some cookies, cookies, cookies? It’s an echo. You are worse off than I thought. You actually believed in resolutions? Huh. Don’t you remember last year? You thought they were starting the sales earlier than ever before. Wasn’t it usually Valentines day? End of January instead – REALLY? And now look at the date. Mid-January! Your suspicions were correct.

You’ve got to tell someone, sure, but who? Who would believe the evil plot is to topple all healthy eating resolutions in one mass swoop? Who would believe those cute girls with their pig tails in green ribbons, skipping along with enough mouth candy to end a starving country’s fast was really behind it all? And not just to make money either, but to spit on our resolutions, and grind them under their little patent shoe feet. They are still laughing aren’t they?

The fact that the sales are starting earlier? It’s just a slap in the face. Little egos getting the best of our addictions. Girl Scout Cookies. Once a year. AFTER NEW YEARS.

The agony!!!

Hey, where did the cookies go? The Peanut Butter Patties?

GASP!

They are gone. You ate them. Every one. Every crumb. All four rows. Listen to me. Drive away. Drive away now. Drive away as fast as you can. Don’t let them see you this way. Please!! I’m begging.

Don’t get out of the car. Save your dignity. You still have a chance. They can smell weakness. They can smell desperation. Don’t do it!


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