pressure – Living, Loving, Laughing….

At the beginning of this year, I chose the word flourish. I was going to FLOURISH (and rule the world!)….err….something like that.

My goals:

(postaday2011)

* Take a picture every day (365 project).

* Start Photography classes (for certification).

* Begin a side photography business (angelia’s photography).

And do all this while working 40 + hours a week as a corporate travel agent, plus a newlywed wife to my husband, mom to one teenager, and step-mom of two younger daughters.

I. Can. Do. It. All.

NOT.

One by, by one, these goals have slipped from my grasp. One by one, I have given up (yet) another thing I pledged to do, just to keep up with my normal life, much less the hyped up flourished version.

Swimming, swimming, and swimming……you know what, ya’ll?

I’m tired.

It’s not even that this – the list – the promises – the goals – are all I have tried to keep up with. I have, also, had to dog paddle through a husband diagnosed with Lupus this year (to add to his type 1 diabetes, and hypothyroidism). A pretty horrific car crash my family survived. Plus, the new dynamics of co-parenting, me being on the “other” side of custody, than I previously was (this side is MUCH harder).

Everyone said I couldn’t do it all. And???

They were right. :clap clap clap:

I have, officially, burnt out.

Late last week, I wanted to pull the plug. No more Twitter, Facebook, or the Blog. Just shut down. My iphone makes that near impossible to do. But, alas! I would do it. Lights out (except for Words With Friends. I must have my WWF!).

In the end, I decided, going dark was not the answer, but putting the photography business on hold would be. No more sessions for now. I will have “fun”. It will be my hobby (again)(when I have time). It won’t be work and it won’t feel like work. Yay!

I started photography classes in January to boost my confidence. I learned about the technical side of the camera. I, also, learned some of the business side. But it’s pretty hefty in marketing, networking – not to mention – time.

I still lack LOADS of knowledge in everything.

Ultimately, I just don’t think I have the talent, or the vision. Maybe that will change, I just don’t know.

My confidence hasn’t boosted like I hoped, and it’s draining me. I just need to study longer and wait for that elusive confidence factor.

The battle of wills and hopes has been bloody.

The drive to succeed, to learn, to know, to do – while applaudable – is not doable (for me), and it’s making me crazy.

I don’t like crazy. My thyroid makes me crazy because of my Grave’s Disease. I take a hormone pill and it gets better.

So today, I take a chill pill. I acknowledge, I can’t do it all. I won’t do it all. And I’ll do what I can when I can.

Technology is a such a curse, and a blessing.

A friend told me she heard, due to technology overload, the world was on the brink of nervous breakdown. Our brains are not equipped to handle all the information accessible today.

So true.

I think I have overachiever overload.

So this month, I am putting another thing to the side.

And I’m having fun too.

MY GIRLS are back!

The little girls are with us FULL-TIME (squeee!!) for the month of July.