child of divorce – Living, Loving, Laughing….

I’m sure you can guess what is at the top of my Thankful list. The very top of a very long list (more on that below). I am thrilled to have so much to be thankful for this year. And being surrounded by the love of family. Many included as family are part of extended families and ex-families and almost families.

And that is not weird to me at all.

I grew up loving a Grandma that was not related to me by blood …I never knew until I fully grasped family trees….and she wasn’t on my branch or even my tree.

I had no clue.

She never acted like she wasn’t my Grandma. And you know what? She was. She was my Grandma. Blood relation or not. That is who I called Grandma and always will. I think of her most at this time of year. As children we made the trek from Oklahoma to Colorado to visit her every Thanksgiving. Most times it took the entire day to get there. She would cook and serve the big feast, then send us packing up the mountain to ski Monarch the next day. That was her Christmas present to us, always the same, a day together of snow, ski, and fun paid for by Grandma.

I will always treasure those Thanksgivings. I wrote about it on this blog in December of 2009 Timeless Treasures. She is my most special Grandma (that wasn’t my Grandma) who made our holidays joyful and bright. And she is who I look up to as a role model. Now that I am a grandma, I hope I can live up to her highest of standards.

I appreciate her these days more than I ever have. I hope I can give as much as my heart to my grandchildren as she did.

My most precious gift this year is my very own grandchild. She is growing so fast. Faster than I ever thought possible. I had no idea how much love a grandmothers soul could hold.

Oh man, is it a lot!

This little angel just turned three months old.

Three months in the blink of an eye. She now recognizes my face and voice. She smiles instantly when she sees me. She stares at me with those grey/blue eyes full of curiosity.

We talk and play and take lots and lots of pictures. She started cooing recently. It is not like the coo I have heard other babies say. Hers is like a musical note. It is so pretty! I swear it is not ooooo. This coo is like a note Snow White sings in the forest to all the wild animals that flock to her side. This music she strains to do by pursing her mouth just so and looking around with her big eyes (like…did I just do that?). Then, she smiles real big and kicks her legs because she knows she just did and it was awesome.

I wonder if she has inherited my mother and father’s musical talent. My mom toured singing Sound of Music as a teenager. She, also, won the crown of Miss Ada (the same Ada Blake Shelton is from). Her talent? Singing. My Dad toured with a 60’s garage band, they were invited to open for the Beach Boys. Musical talent gone wild in that pairing.

I didn’t get a smidge of musical talent. Sydney might have got just that, a smidge. But Averey. Wow. Looks like she may have got the full dose. I guess time will tell if she can carry a tune as a well as a coo. But dang if she isn’t cute doing it.

Excited face!

Smile…

What she looks like talking…

Thinks Grammy is telling a story face…

Three months.

Newborn Averey

I am so thankful.

Newborn Averey

To have this squishy little person as my musical serenader.

Life.

The way it changes?

Amazing…

Happy, HAPPY Thanksgiving to each and every one. May you be blessed beyond measure and treasured beyond time. And be so completely enamored by the life and love of a wonderful family (blood relations or not).

And thank-you for most for being part of my journey.

It is the path of least resistance that makes rivers and men crooked.

– B.J. Palmer, father of chiropractic

Struggling to find your voice

In the face of conflict we might be tempted to just go with the flow and not make waves. The path of least resistance is saying “yes” when you want to say “no” and that road is always paved with regrets and mistakes. While compromise is good and a necessary part of healthy relationships, no one should have to fully deny their feelings and remain voiceless while others dominate a situation. It might feel easier to nod your head and passively agree, but in the long run you are being cheated. While there might be a whole list of justifications and excuses for stepping off the path of your principles, staying true to yourself reaps countless more rewards than selling out to appease someone else. Reconcile today the negative passivity you have displayed in the past.

Brought to you by Sparkpeople’s Healthy Reflections.

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Staying true to myself. A very difficult thing to do. I am not a selfish person by nature. I want to please everyone. I want to make THEM happy, even at the risk of being unhappy myself. I might give up something I want just to make the situation peaceful, without conflict. And I know….it’s not right. It’s not the best for me. My friend over at The Grown up Child, a blog about children of divorce would say, my nature is to be pleasing, because it is how I coped when my parents divorced. I bent. I agreed. I pleased. I wanted all my parents to be happy. I didn’t want to rock the boat.

In later years, my teens, I would deal with alcoholism from both sets of parents. Whatever boundaries I might have tentatively established were pretty much wiped out during those trails. Welcome to co-dependency. It took until my mid-thirties to really come to terms with me. Discover healing, standing up for myself, being selfish, and truly leading a life that I wanted. One with boundaries and principles. It was very difficult. That wasn’t comfortable for me. And I couldn’t do it completely on my own, my strength wasn’t just mine. I had a lot of help with God next to me, guiding me, and giving me the courage.

I say all that because it is SO easy to knock it all down. One yes. One turning the other cheek. One compromise. One pleasing moment too many. It all trembles. YEARS of work. YEARS of building come to a crashing cliffhanger. The difference between then and now? I understand what is going on. I can plug the hole, move the stone, and stop the tremulous swaying. But it takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of faith. It takes overcoming the FEAR of failing. The FEAR of rejection.

Right now, this reflection speaks to me because I have conceded one too many times in the last few years. Maybe I pursued the wrong choice. Maybe I compromised my convictions. Let things go one too many times. Whatever the case, it has produced negativity and strife in my life, not to mention utter passiveness, which has spilled over – personally – affecting my nature for the worst. I have dishonored my work ethics. I am not reaching my best, nor am I staying true to myself, and the integrity I hold dear. Integrity I worked YEARS to build.

I have also ignored signs of boundary struggles that my daughter is having. She is only fifteen. This is a very important time in her life. I don’t want her to go through the struggles I had. Thankfully, I can talk to her. My experiences can help her understand what she is going through. I didn’t have anyone at her age to help me with that. Of course, I won’t make decisions for her. I will only help her know she has choices and she does not have to say yes when she wants to say no. To anyone. Not even family. Not even me. She has a voice.

And I remember something else too, I have to turn up the volume on my voice. The one that speaks for me. My values. My honor. I will not settle for less. I might not make a lot people happy with what I choose, but I have to stay true to me. True to my family. True to what will give us the greatest life possible. Jason, Sydney, Molly and Bridget are worthy of that. And do you know what that is? A healthy, happy me. Sound selfish? You bet. I only have this time, this moment, these years to make a positive impact on the family I love. I will not be passive. I will not cheat myself for any means. I have justified my situation for far too long and it’s time to change for the better.

So tell me, how do you find your voice when it seems lost in the roar of life? What affirmations do you tell yourself to stand firm in what you believe?