Don’t Give Up

On October 4, 2010October 4, 2010 By AngeliaIn Beautiful Life, FAITH, FAMILY, Life is what you make it.23 Comments

And she is not. Sue is doing as well as can be expected. A few days after surgery, she got the breathing tube out and passed several neuro tests. She moved BOTH hands and legs, opened her eyes, and we were all very encouraged. She could answer in uh-huh, and nuh-huh. Although it wasn’t clear words, she did respond to I love you with the tone. They did warn she could get worse before better, and she did lessen her talking and moving the next day. We were prepared for that. At time of post they had put the breathing tube back in due to fluid build-up on her lungs. Again, this is normal in her type of recovery. If she can’t get deep enough breaths fluid could build up. The good thing is, she has top-notch care with the nurses micro-managing her. They have her comfortable and sedated so she is not in any pain. It is a long recovery road, but time is what she needs. The main thing is to NOT get pneumonia, so pray specifically for that.

Don’t give up was also the message at Jason’s brother’s Church this Sunday. We attended the service to watch the baptism of his youngest daughter. It is a theme I have stated quite often in the last few days and not always accomplished.

It started out as, “I can’t do this.” Do – being plan a wedding without Sue’s help. She had EVERYTHING and I do mean everything handled or planned. Locating that information is not possible since she can not communicate. Starting over? A very daunting task one week prior to the wedding and I do mean START ALL OVER. Food, cake, punch, and table linens. Did I mention we have 100 people coming?

As I dived deeper into it, I figured out even faster – I couldn’t do it. I wanted to cancel the wedding and say, “I give up.” I said this too many times to count and almost actualized it more times than I said it. There were LOTS of frustrated tears. On top of that, work is off the charts busy. I was there until 8pm on Friday night. When I finally get to Jason, he is laid up on the couch with a fever, chills, severe headache, and hard time breathing. It was awful.

He went to the doctor on Saturday and they gave him an antibiotics shot. I got a taste of being a real step-mom as I took the two little girls and Sydney with me everywhere. The bakery, the flower shop, and Hobby Lobby. They were such troopers and very, very good. Then we had to beat it over to the skating ring for one of Molly’s parties. Jason met us there and I dropped them off to do MORE shopping. Thank-you Hobby Lobby for the 50% bridal event sale. I think you saved me – literally.

I’d also like to mention Cooper St Bakery with a BIG thank-you. They took my order ONE WEEK prior to the wedding for both the Bride and Groom’s cake. I am amazed and thankful. The owner made sure we were taken care of. Tammy, I will highly recommend you guys for your efficiency and servitude.

And to my friend Karen, who loves cooking and planning, and eagerly agreed to do the food for the reception. Not only do it, but do an outstanding job, and happily. Thank-you Karen soooo much. You have been such a blessing to my life.

When I finally sat down this weekend, I made my fingers make 52 bows, 26 tulle, and 26 ribbon for pew markers. Now just to glue a pretty a flower and attach to pew holder – voila. And I just thought I wasn’t crafty.

My future step-brother is sewing hems on fabric for tablecloths. God love em’. He is sewing.

I got a speeding ticket this morning – oh, the irony.

Have I mentioned we still need our marriage license?

So glad, I have SIX MORE DAYS, because I really can’t take much more, but I’m NOT giving up.

The pastor ready to baptize my almost niece.

Molly and her cousin at the Church.

I love how children celebrate EVERY moment. They don’t worry. They don’t fret. They are not thinking of a hundred different things to get done, to do, or to not forget. They don’t think about who is sick, and who needs help. They just smile and laugh and play.

So I’m not giving up. I am going to do the best I can. I am not going to worry (much) and I am celebrating that we have today.

I am celebrating because, obviously, God has great plans for us.

Delicately we move forward

On September 30, 2010October 1, 2010 By AngeliaIn Angels among Us31 Comments

During rush hour in Arlington, Texas, Tuesday night, a critical care ambulance moved Sue to a new hospital near downtown Dallas, and a new ICU bed. A place filled with experts on neurological aneurysms. Experts on cases like hers.
Even before we got to see her, we felt immense relief. We felt it was the right place. We felt the vast difference in everything medical related.

More assuring was the first doctor that came to consult. Letting us know that she was settled and they had a team of surgeons look at what she came in with. They were confident of the procedure they wanted to do, which was NOT open head surgery to clamp the aneurysm, but a coil procedure to fill it and support it. The coil required no opening of the head since they went through the groin area. The presentation of their recommendation was VASTLY different from XYZ hospital. Suddenly the coil, which the experts suggested (not offering a choice), made perfect sense. Why open her brain if it wasn’t the best option? We wouldn’t, of course. It was a win, win all around.

Again, great comfort, and blessing to be moved to this hospital and KNOW they were looking out for HER, and not for what procedure that hadn’t done in a while. Either procedure had been done at that hospital yesterday. It was common practice. If something were to go wrong, they would proceed to the second surgery option immediately and come get her husband’s authorization. Our prayers were answered, we were in good hands.

She was alert and could speak when woken up. In fact, she has been alert, talking, and moving from day one, which is very encouraging to us. She gave the doctors her medical history herself. She held our hand and said she loved us as many times as we held hers and told her the same thing. She passed all the tests from the neuro exam except her left side was weak and only moved when pushing on the pressure points. We considered that being part of the brain pressure from the aneurysm.

The proper medical term for her condition is subarachnoid hemorrhage.

sub·arach·noid

It’s referring to where her bleeding occurred. Basically, it’s something that was already there. A bubble if you will. What happened is this bubble, she has had all her life, suddenly split and started bleeding into her brain. I say all that, because she has been confused by others as having a stroke. She DID not have a stroke. She had an aneurysm and 40% don’t live through it, because normally they burst, not split. When it ruptures vs leaks, it is instant death.

Yesterday morning, they did the coil surgery. We are assured her recovery in ICU is approximately fourteen days. As you know, fourteen days is nothing. A walk in the park and knowing her, she will somehow, someway swing a day pass to the wedding. Either way, I am just happy she WILL recover. I have no doubt, something awful would have happened at XYZ hospital. I could feel it. I don’t feel that way at this hospital. The surgery procedure has a 92-95% success rate. Not to mention, it’s all being handled before the 72 hour window of time.

However, when the surgeon comes back, it’s not as simple as we hoped. They weren’t able to insert enough coils. They did get quite a few in. It will stop any re-bleed from happening – all good. The bad….another coil surgery in two weeks, plus a shunt to put in underneath the coils to help support that area; in other words two more weeks of delicate care, not recovery care like we hoped. The news that knocked me in the stomach was the fact that during the scans they discovered a clot in her brain about 24 hours old, occurring at XYZ hospital, it was too old to fix it. THIS was in fact a stroke, and THAT was the reason for her left side weakness.

I know I should be positive and blessed and praising all involved and I am. She is still with us. She is still able to move her right side (and at time of post her left leg). She will, with time and therapy, regain full function (after the second coil surgery and recovery). But it will be a long, hard road. I hate that for her.

She is missing those little grandbaby hugs, that she needs and they need. Missing those tight little embraces that only Grandma Sue can give. An embrace to find love, and reassurance. Can I just for one second grieve the loss of that, for them and for her, and for us, just for this little while? I know she is going to miss giving them and they will miss receiving them. Not for fourteen days, but for at least six weeks, and quite possible months.

The heartbeat of the wedding lays in a critical care bed. Her magic wedding fingertips restrained to keep from pulling tubes. The excitement and plans she made locked under a bandage, all hope of her recovery in time for her son’s big day – shattered. All I can do is pray the magic revives coming back to honor her. To spark new life for the hard work she has already done.

~~I hope~~ I will find the strength to finish what we started and make her proud. But just for a minute, can I be sad? Can I miss that she won’t be there? Can I say this is one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with? The family has ever dealt with?

It’s not like either of us have many parents or grandparents. In fact between us, we have three. My mom, his mom, and step dad. That’s it.

No living grandparents and no fathers.

It’s hard for me to focus on anything wedding without thinking of her and hurting. I’m not sad for me. I’m sad for HER. I’m sad for Jason, but mostly I miss my friend. I miss our planning. I miss our shopping and designing. I would give anything to have her health back. In fact, we have all made up our Christmas wish lists for the next dozen seasons – her health – the only thing listed.

It is a long road ahead, but we will continue by her side supporting her until her full recovery. I will drive to Dallas EVERY day. I know the way and the garage well. Jason is staying some nights there. We have been fighting our own physical illness – fever and chills (stress?), it only lasts a few hours at night, but I guess the swallowed fear has to come out some way.

In a little more than a week we will adorn handsome men, and fairytale princesses with the flowers made by her loving hands. I am still blown away by the beauty and delicacy they behold. It reminds me of her. Beautiful. Soft. Strong.

Made by Sue for the wedding, two days before hemorrhage.

Wedding flower table vases sitting out in her dining room.

Thank-you for your continued prayers. Please know how much we appreciate them in this difficult time, we take day by day.

Sunday’s Healthy Reflection

On November 15, 2009 By AngeliaIn Life is what you make it.31 Comments

On Sunday this time, yay!

Stop living life for what’s around the corner and start enjoying the walk down the street.

– Grant L. Miller, motivational guru

Enjoying the road to accomplishment

It’s possible to be a little too focused. With blinders on, it becomes easy to completely live in our vision of where we will be in the future, while ignoring the improvements that we have made in the present. The road to a healthy lifestyle is a long trip. While it’s very important to realize what we are shooting for, we also need to make sure that we keep our heads in the present to enjoy the progress we’ve made. If your goal is to lose weight, instead of waiting to celebrate until you lose it all, enjoy today’s small victories and take advantage of your improved health now. This approach serves as motivation for any aspiration in life. Set ambitious goals and enjoy the road to accomplishing those goals, because life might pass you by if you are always planning for tomorrow without ever seeing today.

***

Brought to you by SPARKPEOPLE.

One of the first things that come to mind when I read this, is all the things you put off, or miss out on due to weight issues. My example, Laugh Fest at the Parks Mall – for The Levity Project, Katie has actually posted our video under the videos tab on her website. How cool is that? Now, I was hesitant about being “filmed”. The camera adds ten pounds, I wasn’t wearing black, I hadn’t lost the TWENTY pounds – and had done nothing to try and lose it. Me self-conscious? Heck yah!

Obviously, We did it anyway. What it came down to was this, if I waited until I looked “perfect”. For one, it’d be never. HA. For two, I would have missed out on participating in this event. I wouldn’t have lived in the present. I would have planned a future event based on something that might happen – I could have missed it.

And you know what? I treasure that day. I treasure laughing with Sydney. I treasure our participation with the Chicago laugh flash project group at the same time. I am thrilled we did it. We will never have November 7, 2009 – 12 Noon again. Sydney will never be fifteen again, this year is it. For her to be fifteen – pretty amazing.

One thing I never did, was wish her older than she was. Some relatives would, they would want her to be a certain age, to do grown up things with her. They couldn’t wait til she was bigger. Every new age, it would be an older age they would pine for. I would nod quietly, but inside I celebrated that instant, and the milestone she was at. Maybe because, I couldn’t have any more, and that made me more aware of the here and now. I couldn’t help but think, you are missing it.

Could it be, this span of your life, to you, is just a meaningless phase until you get to the next big thing?

Friends, you are missing it.

The last thing that comes to mind is this………
When I moved to Dallas, from a small town of 20,000 (actually I lived outside of that town), so it was even smaller. Think rural, no paved driveways – not even a traffic light. I could not wait to get to the big city. Who needed a small town? Everyone knew your business, they didn’t have any major restaurants (back then). There was only one movie theater. We had Wal-Mart, but no mall, the list goes on and on.

Back then, the country? The worst place ever. We couldn’t even get cable when it first came out. It was a year before we could. I missed out on all those MTV video premiers. In my mind, the quicker I got out, the better.

And I did, at the tender age of seventeen. When did something change? Probably when Sydney was born. Suddenly the city lost its charm, and I worried my little girl would be swallowed up by it. I questioned myself, why did I leave the small town? How in the world could I raise my child in the city? What was I thinking? Panic and regret, and you know, I was missing it. I was missing out on life in the present.

Fact is, Sydney is a city girl. The country makes her go, “Ewww!” This is where I chose to live, and this is where I make the best of it. I think I mentioned, I don’t do unhappy, and my longing? Just didn’t suit me. This was it.

It turned out wonderfully. Sydney has done great in the city. I have no clue why I worried. She is smart, well-adjusted and thrilled to live here. (well, okay, it’s not FAIR she is not an OU fan, but I digress)

I do love it here. Do I miss the small town I was raised in? Yeah. I realize all the benefits a small town has to offer. All the things I did as a child, that I wanted her to do, and have memories of. But why miss out on all the opportunities around me? And there is a lot – museums, zoos, gardens. I found the greatness in it all. New memories, new traditions.

Time is zipping by, I’m not getting younger (big surprise, I know). I am celebrating with joy. Today will never come again. I’m not going to let anything hold me back, not my weight, not what people think, not my regrets, not my mistakes – Nothing. I’m taking hold of today and enjoying it.

What victory are you going to take hold of today? What regret are you going to put in your past for good? What is holding you back from enjoying this instant? Don’t miss the journey, don’t let life pass you by, accomplish, thrive, and live.