This is not just a regular school zone with the blinking 20 miles per hour yellow lights. A caution to go the speed limit because children (big kids) are walking, crossing, and hip hopping to school. Alright strike the hip hop, teenagers are not morning people. Point is, it’s a school zone. Point is, that’s pretty much a requirement to slow down.

Unless…..you are a teen driver that is, then you see this.

Or maybe you are a mad mom in a mini-van, you’ve got three other kids to get to school, a PTA council coffee you are late for, and a nail appointment right after. SO GET OUT OF THE WAY, PEOPLE!

No matter what you are.

Know this. Take heed to my warning and take it very, very seriously. Driving in a High School school zone is hazardous to your health. They should have portable defibrillators in the parking lots.

First off, no one slows down to twenty. Not at this school anyway. No one comes to a complete stop before leaving the parking lot and turning on the street. Not even a California stop. It’s a straight up gas it and go while you peal out and these are the moms, not the teens.

No the teens like to run late to school (seniors), therefore when you wait in line patiently to turn into the one way side of the lot, they come screeching from the TURN lane, narrowly miss your front bumper as the car careens, on two wheels and air, to the parking spot in the visitors slot right in front of the school.

Casually, they stroll out of the car (while you are still sitting there mouth hanging open) with their Bon Jovi hair in a toss and skinny jeans.The nerve! They didn’t even look my way or wave an apology. Huh!

Heck, this is all happening just getting INTO the school. Then, as I wait in line to get to the right spot in front of the school. Never mind all the right spots I already passed. My daughter will NOT get out of the car at any other spot. Just this one spot. What’s so special about that spot? I don’t know! But rather than push her out of the car, I wait until I arrive at the magic spot and she exits the car. Hallelujah!

Now I have to get OUT of the lot. My palms are sweating. I grip the wheel and frantically look around for the mad moms switching lanes (in front of school with kids jumping in and out of cars). Hello? Escaping them, I pull up to the exit lane only to get cut off by the mad career moms coming from the super secret entrance on the other side. Racing to get out MY exit when they see the never-ending exit line for the lot they came from. I don’t know about you, but I tend to yield to a Jag.

One car after another, I get to the exit. I look both ways hoping for clear, so I can just shut my eyes and floor it before a speeder comes racing through the blinking yellow lights on one side, or a teen driver out of NO WHERE from the opposite side. Just when I think it’s okay, a big RAM truck blocks my view by pulling up next to me. Oh. Em. Gee.

Finally, I punch it out of the lot and get past the last turn of double line cars with angry teens and moms. I barely miss a teen jumping out of the car stopped in the STREET. I mean they didn’t want to wait in the car lines, I get it. But seriously, how safe is that? Then, the mom does an illegal u-turn on the street to go back the other direction, all this in a school zone. YIKES.

Anxious, heart suffering irregular beats, I FLOOR IT out of there, make the turn without signaling to the road that takes me to freedom. AWAY FROM THE HIGH SCHOOL. I can breathe easy. Shooooooooooooooooo.

As my mind clears, I always have the same thought. WHERE ARE THE POLICEMEN? Why do they not have their stun guns radar guns out?

Well, it’s kind of country here. Apparently the two patrolmen on duty have appointments in the morning. Not saying a word about that.

See, everyone knows you can speed, turn illegally, let your kids out in the middle of the street, and in general obey no traffic laws at that time of day, because no one will be there. But hey, they are just teenagers, riiight?

So can I just say, HOW GLAD I am, that on Friday. My non-driving Freshman, then Sophomore exited the car in the hazardous school zone for the LAST TIME. School is out. My drop off duty fulfilled. My health and nerves get a summer break. AND as long as she passes her driver’s license exam (pleasepasspleasepasspleasepass), I am hazard zone FREE! Oh, she is passing alright, we are going at 730am and guess what? I’m bringing donuts.

Good-bye cruel school (zone that is)! I won’t be missing you…..ever.